Lori McDonald
May 1997
His scream echoed throughout the complex.
Thrashing wildly under too-thick blankets that tangled around him, he screamed again and fought to kick his way free. He could hear footsteps approaching. They were coming to get him.
Hyperventilating, he kicked the last of the blankets off, just as there was a bamf of air and Kurt appeared at the foot of his bed.
"Are you all right, mein freund?"
He looked like Kurt, sounded like Kurt. But so had Rogue. Quickly, he rolled off the bed and under it. He was still hyperventilating, his heart beating so fast it hurt.
"Remy?" Kurt sounded surprised. A pair of glowing eyes looked under the bed and he scurried into the farthest corner, gasping.
He heard people pass through the curtain into his room, heard the voices of both X-Men and Excalibur. "Whoot happened?" Moira demanded. "Where is he?"
"Under the bed," Kurt admitted. "I've never seen him look so frightened."
Moira sighed. "Coom oot, Ash. Ye jus' had a nightmare."
The memory of Rogue pulling her face off was very clear in his mind and he didn't move. Just curled up and gasped repeatedly, trying to get enough oxygen into his lungs to stop the spots that were dancing in front of his eyes.
Moira kneeled down and looked at him calmly. "He's hyperventilating. Kurt, get me a paper bag. The rest o' ye, get oot o' here."
"Ah'm stayin'," Rogue stated.
His chest was really starting to hurt now as Excalibur and the X-Men filed out and Kurt teleported back with a small paper bag. Moira tossed it to him. "Breathe inta this, Ash."
Quickly, he grabbed the bag and fitted it over his nose and mouth, gasping into it.
"Do you need me any more?" Kurt asked quietly.
"Ah dinnae think so. You go get soom rest. We c'n handle this. That's it, Ash. Keep breathin'."
Kurt left as he felt his breathing return to normal, along with his thoughts. Now he was too embarrassed to come out.
"I feel like such an idiot."
Lying on her stomach on the floor, Moira smiled at him. "And well ye should. What was that all aboot anyway?"
He sighed. "I had a dream. I kept seein' all a you, an' Magneto in a collar, an' at de end, Rogue pulled her face off an' she was Sinister."
Rogue lay down beside Moira. "Ah did what?" She frowned. "That's disgustin'."
She looked so beautiful, lying there in flannel pyjamas that covered everything but her head, hands and feet.
He smiled wistfully. "Do y' still hate me, chere?"
Rogue looked surprised, her lovely green eyes widening. "HATE ya? Ah don't hate ya. What made ya think that?"
"Y' don' want t' be near me no more. Why? What I do wrong? Tell me an' I'll fix it."
Rogue looked at Moira helplessly.
"A told ye that y'e have t' tell him soomday. Yuir nae bein' fair otherwise." Moira stood. "A'll leave it t' ye then, children. Dinnae let him sleep under there," she ordered Rogue and left.
Rogue looked guilty as she peered back under the bed at him. "Ah'm afraid," she admitted.
He blinked. She was so powerful. He'd expected fear to be the last thing she'd suffer from. "Of what?"
She sighed. "O' ya, sugah. An' o' me." She rose and sat on the edge of the bed. He could see her legs and after a moment, crawled out enough that, when he lay on his back, he could see all of her clearly.
"Why? I love y', Rogue."
She smiled, putting a hand to her face, and he knew a moment's stark terror that she was going to rip it off and turn into Sinister again.
She saw the expression on his face. "What's wrong?"
He took a deep, shaking breath. "In de dream- I t'ought I was awake an' I was wit' you, an' den you turned into Sinister. I was afraid I was still dreamin'."
The sad smile on her face convinced him he wasn't. "Ya ain't, Remy. Less ah'm dreamin' too." She patted the bed. "Come sit with me. Ah'm gettin' a crick in mah neck lookin' at ya."
Quietly, he crawled out and sat on the bed beside her. Rogue was quiet for a moment, organizing her thoughts.
"The first time ah saw ya," she admitted. "Ah was mad. Here ya were, in our house, wearin' an X-Men uniform, an' ya were dirty an' skinny an' ya had that awful ratty beard." He smiled slightly. Rogue had always hated the beard. "Ah wanted ta grab ya an' drop kick ya raight through th' mansion gates. Then th' Professor told us ya had an inhibitor collar on, an' that he saw some o' th' things Sinister did ta ya in ya mind, an' ah was ashamed. Ah mean, there ya were, scared an' starvin', an' we go chasin' ya back inta th' tunnels."
He shrugged. "I mighta done de same t'ing."
She smiled and squeezed his knee. It was a wonderful feeling. "Ya, but ah felt really bad, so ah decided ta try ta make up foh it by cookin' regular meals for ya."
"I remember."
She shook her head. "We all wanted ya out o' those tunnels so badly, an' that damn collar off ya."
He sighed. "I was a li'l s'prised y' didn' force me to."
Suddenly, she looked sheepish. "Actually, we did." He gave her a sharp look. "Or Beast did. He'd been goin' nuts worryin' that ya were sick or hurt an' 'bout a month after we found ya, he put a sedative in ya dinner. None o' us knew 'bout it until Scott caught him comin' up inta th' hangar carryin' ya."
He blanched. He had absolutely no memory of any of this. "Mon dieu..."
"It caused a real stink, ah can tell ya," she told him. "Everybody was screamin' an' yellin' 'bout whether Hank was right an' whether ta put ya back in th' tunnels."
"What did YOU do?" He asked.
She blushed. "Sat by th' bed ya were curled up on an' held ya hand. It looked like it was the first real sleep ya'd ever gotten." She paused thoughtfully. "Ah think that was when ah started ta fall in love with ya."
He sat up straighter, wanting to dance with joy, but she wasn't done.
"Anyway, it was decided that Hank could give ya a check-up, but then ya were goin' raight back inta th' tunnels until ya decided ta come out on ya own."
At the time, knowing this would have terrified him. Now it was touching. "Dis musta been b'fore I came down wit' de flu."
She laughed. "Oh, that started a whole new round o' arguin'."
"You knew I was sick?"
"Sugah, we could hear ya pukin' all th' way t' th' stairs. We finally all voted ta go get ya, but none o' us could find ya, and Wolvie had ta pick that week ta go on one o' his walkabouts."
He smiled. "Dere are steam vents in some a de caverns down dere. I went t' one of dem an' sweated de sickness outta me. I t'ought I was gonna die at times."
The young women shook her head at the memory. "Ah wish ah'd known that. Ah think ah walked through those tunnels foh two days searching foh ya. Th' others were all sure ya'd passed on, but ah kept putting food out, hopin'. Ya have no idea how happy ah was when ya finally came back an' started eatin' again."
He was glad she had too. That had been a horrible week, feeling sick and delusional, being chased by nightmare images in his dreams even worse than the ones he'd just had. He'd almost been sure he heard Rogue calling him at one point, but no matter how he tried, he couldn't call back to her. "T'anks f' not givin' up on me, chere," he said softly.
She smiled, patting his knee. "I wasn't no big thang, sugah. Just helping out." She looked around the room, taking a deep breath. She was babbling, talking about past events, and they both knew it, but he figured she was working her way up to what she really wanted to say.
"Ah remember when ya let me shave ya," she continued at last. "I was really in love with ya an' ah was so proud o' ya foh bein' so brave."
He frowned and looked down at his clasped hands. "If y' been in love wit' me all dis time, den why y' been avoidin' me?"
She hesitated and blushed. "When ah first learned ya could touch me, ah started dreamin' o'... makin' love... with ya." Her face was a brilliant, fascinating shade of red. "Ah'd always wanted ta... ta be able ta touch a man. Ah wanted ya ta sweep me off mah feet, an' ah worked up mah nerve foh a long time ta make th' first move."
He hid a smile that might embarrass her, putting an arm around her instead. To think he'd desired her so long, afraid to tell her, and she'd been wanting the same thing.
Rogue's shoulders were hunched however, and she stared at the floor, glancing up at him periodically. "Then we... did it, an' it wasn't like ah expected. Ah mean, it felt good, but ah think ya were more nervous than ah was. Ah kept wondering if ah was pushing ya ta do somethin' ya didn't want an' ah felt cheap, 'cause ah threw mahself at ya. Ah mean, ah was taught by mah real momma that only sluts an' whores did that. The jokes everyone made only made it worse too. An' ah felt laik ah lost somethin'- mah virginity, ah mean." Her eyes filled with tears. "Ah... an' ah was afraid that ah... that ah only thought ah loved ya... 'cause we could touch. An' ah can't stop thinkin' how ah really want ta do it again, so ah must be a tramp."
He stared in amazement at her tears, and swallowed a lump in his throat. Gently, he reached out to brush them away. Rogue's eyes closed at the feel of his skin on hers.
"You first loved me when I was in th' tunnels, n'est pas?" He asked softly and she nodded. "Well, dat's when I fall in love wit' you, an' dat was long b'fore either of us ever t'ink we'd be able t' touch. So I t'ink anyt'ing y' feel f' me be real."
She considered that and her eyes filled with fresh tears. "Then ya don't think ah'm a tramp?"
"If y' are, chere, den so am I."
She giggled and he smiled. She was so beautiful and he needed her with him so badly. Leaning down, he kissed her lips and felt their silky smoothness part for him. The panic he'd felt the last time he touched her was gone now, absorbed in his love for her.
"Stay wit' me t'night," he whispered.
"Only if ya promise ta love me," she whispered back.
That was a simple request, one that he was more than willing to fulfill, with none of the panic and confusion of their first time. Rogue met him stroke for stroke, and when they were done, he held her, and slept, and when he woke in the morning shaking from nightmares, she was still by his side.