If it's getting harder to face everyday
Don't let it show, don't let it show
Though it's getting harder to take what they say
Just let it go, just let it go
And if it hurts when they mention my name
Say you don't know me
And if helps when they say I'm to blame
Say you don't owe me
Even if it's taking the easy way out, keep it inside you
Don't give in
Don't tell them anything
Don't let it, don't let it show
(Alan Parsons Project--Don't Let It Show)
Justine crossed her arms over her chest, looking down at her feet. "Magnus, I don't want to do this."
"Why?" Magnus asked simply.
"Because it's wrong." Her voice had lowered to a whisper. "The plants were one thing, but this..." She pointed to the box on the desk. "This is where it starts to get sticky."
Although Justine tried to speak bravely and forcefully, Magnus noticed her voice was weak. She also hadn't refused him outright. "Justine, they're laboratory mice. They were bred to die in the name of research," he explained softly. "They're like any animal bred for a purpose. No worse than cows raised for beef."
"Well these have already died for one purpose or another," she said stubbornly, looking into the box where the tiny white balls of fur lay. "I don't think the breeder intended them t'be brought back. Let them stay dead."
"Research is research," Magnus pointed out. He was tiring of this argument. It had been going on for almost an hour. He understood Justine's sensitivity to animals, but this was the only solution he could think of to test her further. There was only so much she could do with plants.
Justine closed her eyes for a moment, and turned away from the desk. "What's going to happen to them if I bring them back?" she asked.
Magnus shrugged. "Give them back to Dr. McCoy. He's the one who gave them to me and he knows what we intend to do with them." He decided not to tell her some of the mice would be dissected afterwards.
"Does he approve?"
"I didn't discuss it with him," Magnus lied. He didn't want to get into a long explanation he didn't feel was necessary. Justine didn't understand about research. She'd probably be horrified if she knew of all the animals that died daily in the name of science. "Does it matter to you what happens to them once you bring them back?"
There was a minute of silence, then Justine shook her head and whispered, "No, I guess not." She turned to face him. "I don't want to do this Magnus and I want to know--if I don't do it, will you hate me?"
She looked close to tears. "No, of course not Justine," he said, both wanting to soothe her and persuade her. "I will be... disappointed, but I won't hate you."
She swallowed hard, sucking her lower lip into her mouth and biting it. "Disappointed huh?" Her mind flashed back to a memory of herself and Tamara at about age eight. Tamara was verbally attacked by a group of kids for some reason and Justine had stood by not doing anything, afraid to get involved. After she'd asked Tamara if she hated her and Tamara just shook her head and told her she didn't hate her, she was disappointed. Disappointed was worse than hating. Disappointed meant you hadn't lived up to someone's expectations, but they still liked you. Disappointed meant you'd failed someone in some way and he/she might never be able to look at you the same. For months Justine tried to make it up to Tamara. She jumped in the middle whenever there was a hint of trouble, but that didn't mean Tamara didn't think of that one incident and remember the pain. Justine knew too much about pain and disappointment. She spent most of her life disappointed people; she didn't want to it anymore.
She drew in a deep breath and squared her shoulders. "I don't want that either Magnus. M-maybe I am being silly. Let's get to it."
"Excellent." He smiled warmly, knowing how hard those words were for her to speak. He reached into the box, pulling out one of the mice. "Let's start with this one."
Justine winced, looking at the little creature. "H-how did it die?" she asked.
He checked the tiny tag attached to its feet. "He was given an injection that induced a fatal heart attack."
She nodded, leaning down and touched the tiny body gently. Closing her eyes, she began concentrating. Almost immediately a soft, white glow began forming around her hands.
After three hours, Justine felt convinced her head was going to burst. Out of the eight dead mice, six were running around in a wire cage, looking none the worse for their trip into death. The remaining two were curled up in the box. She'd tried to bring them back, but whatever had killed them took too much out of them. They died only seconds after she brought them back.
"Interesting," Magnus commented, looking at the wire cage. "Justine, I'm going to keep three of these to observe them over the next few weeks."
Justine shrugged, wiping her arm along her forehead. "I don't give a damn what you do with them," she muttered, her voice sounding tired and weak.
He looked over at her, realizing how pale and exhausted she looked. "This took more out of you than I thought," he said, concerned. "Perhaps you should rest awhile."
She looked at him. "Yeah... perhaps I should."
"Damned good idea," came from a voice behind her.
Magnus and Justine both turned to see Logan lounging in the door way, arms folded across his chest. Magnus wasn't surprised he was able to sneak into the room unseen, but how he managed to get the door open without either of them noticing was another matter. "Hello Logan," Magnus said smoothly. "Something I can help you with?"
"Yeah," Logan walked over and put his arm around Justine. "Let me get the kid upstairs so she can rest. Jesus Christ, what are ya tryin' t'do kill her?"
"No." Justine shook her head. "I-I can make it upstairs. I-I'm not helpless, just a little wiped out."
"No kid, you're worse off than you're letting on." Logan shook his head, keeping his arm around her, even though she tried to shake it off. "I can smell it on ya. I could smell the sweat and exhaustion from outside the door." He looked at Magnus. "Hope ya don't have any immediate plans, cause after I help Justy, I wanna talk t'ya."
"I'll be here," Magnus said calmly, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Good." He guided Justine from the room, ignoring her protests that she was really okay and didn't need help.
Logan returned a few minutes later, walking into the room. "Magnus, we gotta talk."
"Let me guess," Magnus leaned against the table with the mice. "You don't approve of my training Justine."
"Damn right. You catch on pretty quick." Logan scowled.
"Why now?" Magnus asked, regarding him calmly. "I've been working with Justine since she arrived here and you haven't seemed to mind."
"Up until now I didn't think you were taking advantage of her," Logan said; his eyes narrowed. "Or at least not taking too much advantage of her. But today was different. She's got a killer headache. You know making her use her ability gives her a headache, yet you pushed her hard." He looked over at the cage of white mice. "First day with something harder than a plant and you had her bring back six lives. God Magnus, it's a wonder she didn't keel over."
"She could have stopped at any time," Magnus pointed out. "All she needed to do was tell me she was tired."
"Bullshit Mags!" Logan spat the words out angrily. "If you asked her to crawl across broken glass, she'd do it for ya."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Magnus asked, his own eyes narrowing.
"She loves you Magnus!" Logan said, rolling his eyes as if he couldn't quite believe he had to explain this. "No, I don't think she has the hots for you or nothin, I think it's all on the up-and-up, but she does love you. You're her Angel, her knight in shinning armor who rescued her from the dungeon. Jesus H, haven't you ever seen the way she looks at you? Like you're the great white hope or something. Don't tell me you haven't noticed it, because if so, you're the only one around here that hasn't. Everyone else has not only noticed it, they've been talkin' about it!"
"I know Justine is overly fond of me," Magnus began, only to be interrupted.
"Overly fond of you?" He laughed. "C'mon Mags, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, chances are, it's a duck. You're Jesus, Santa Clause, and Daddy all rolled into one t'that kid. You can't expect her to be honest about how she feels when you ask her t'do something because the one thing she'd hate to do is let you down! She probably spends half her days thinking of ways to make you happy!"
"I don't think it's gone that far." Magnus frowned. "Surely you're exaggerating."
"Exaggerate my ass." Logan reached into the pocket of his shirt, pulling out a cigar. He lit it up, sending a cloud of blue smoke floating around his head. "You know damned well she loves you. Maybe you've been tryin' t'pretend differently, but no one can be that blind for this long. Up till now I didn't think it mattered so much, cause all you were doin' was messin' with plants, but this is serious." He pointed to the cage of mice.
"Don't tell me you have a moral problem with this." Magnus rolled his eyes.
"No, not really," Logan shook his head. "Although sometimes I think humans are a little to arrogant in their attitudes towards animals, but that ain't what I'm worried about here. Magnus, do you see any reason for Justine to ever use her power? Can you ever see a situation where she should bring anyone back from the dead?"
Magnus shook his head. "Of course not! That isn't something anyone should meddle with."
"Then why in blazes are you teaching her to perfect her power!" Logan demanded. "You should be concentrating your efforts on finding a way to turn it off!"
"I don't believe in that sort of thing," Magnus said softly. "Making it so a mutant can't use her powers is too close to taking away their free will. If we came up with some sort of device or operation that would nullify Justine's powers, what would happen next? If we, mutants ourselves, feel justified in taking someone's power away, what will that say to flatscanners? We even judge ourselves? We must lead by example and as frightening as Justine's powers are, we cannot just take them away from her. It would be wrong Logan."
Logan frowned. "Okay, maybe I'll give you that point, but that doesn't mean you should have her bringing critters from the dead. She already has a mental block against using her powers, how do you know that having her constantly using them won't tear down that wall?"
"You don't understand," Magnus objected. "What I'm trying to do is to make sure Justine knows everything about her ability. By learning how it works and what makes it work, I figure her chances of using it accidentally will decrease dramatically. You've heard the story about Victor. It's almost as if she felt a compulsion to bring him back. One compulsion brought disastrous results, can you imagine if she gets another one?"
"I think she's keeping those disastrous results firmly in her mind," Logan countered. "Bein' locked in a basement fer eleven years kinda serves as a good reminder ya screwed up. An' you may know you're only doin' this t'make sure she never uses her powers t'bring back another person, an' I may know that, but does she know it?"
"Of course she does!" Magnus protested.
"I'd be extra sure of that." Logan glared at him.
"Logan, there are other reasons why I'm doing this." Part of Magnus wondered why he needed to explain to Logan; in truth, Justine was his responsibility.
"What reasons are those?" Logan's expression was one of pure skepticism.
"I have the feeling Justine is holding back on what she can do," Magnus explained. "She's not being honest with me."
"Why do you think that?" Logan asked, his head tipping slightly to one side as he puffed on his cigar.
"Certain things..." Magnus said hesitantly. "Like Toby for instance."
"Toby?" Logan thought for a moment. "Oh yeah, the cat. What about Toby?"
"Remember when we asked her what happened to Toby, once we found out she had the cat in the basement with her?" Magnus reminded him. "She said, 'he went away and went away and went away.' At the time I thought the repetition was just another one of her peculiarities, like her singing. But now I'm not sure. I think what happened is Toby died, probably of old age and she brought him back. I think she brought him back twice before Toby finally died for good."
"That could be," Logan admitted almost grudgingly. "But if she had no qualms about bringin' the cat back, why wasn't he still in the basement with her?"
"Who knows?" Magnus shrugged. "Perhaps her parents caught her in the act and took the body away. Or, maybe the body was destroyed beyond her capability to bring it back finally. Bringing him back at all would be difficult unless she could do some regeneration. More regeneration and restoration than she did with the plants." He picked up the box with the two dead mice. "These are the only two she wasn't able to bring back and she even brought them back for a few moments, but they just died again. One of them has no heart. It was removed after it died the first time. That has to be out of her league, to reconstruct a heart out of nothing. The other was infected with a virus that broke down the major organs. I'm going to have them both dissected to see what regeneration she might have done."
"The whole thing still sounds too dangerous t'me," Logan said. "Justine's a nice kid, she deserves better than this. She don't like what she can do and I think we ought to respect her rights not to do it if she don't want to."
"That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid," Magnus said, standing up straight so he towered over Logan. "I'm trying to make sure she always has the choice not to do it. And the only way to make sure she doesn't do it is to make certain she knows exactly how she can do it. And I might remind you Logan, that I don't have to get your approval on my methods with Justine at all. I am in charge of the school, not you."
Logan's lips narrowed into a thin line, his nostrils flaring slightly. "That may be true, but that don't give you the right t'take advantage of the girl. Remember, I'm here as a volunteer. If I don't like how yer treatin' her, I'm free t'leave. I'm also free t'try and stop you."
"Try yes," Magnus crossed his arms over his chest, his own eyes narrowing. "Succeeding is another thing. Don't threaten me Logan. I don't need to remind you that I could hurt you very easily with just a thought."
Logan stepped forward, looking up at Magnus. "Threats don't scare me Magnus."
"They don't scare me either Logan."
"I ain't threatening, I'm telling." Logan's nostrils flared. "I've told ya before I feel kinda responsible fer the kid and I'm not going t'see her hurt."
"I don't want to see her hurt either." Magnus said. "I like her Logan. "
"Then start treatin' her more like ya do," Logan suggested. "Talk t'her... get t'know her as a person, not just a student. Help give her some backbone...at least enough that she'll stop these little tests b'fore she's at the point she was today." With that, he turned sharply and walked out the door before Magnus could answer him.
"Hello Justine."
Justine looked up from the kitchen table and grinned. "Hello Magnus." She looked down at the bowl in front of her and back to him. "Since I missed breakfast this morning, I was just having a bowl of frosted flakes. W-would you like to join me?"
"I'll pass on the cereal." Magnus' nose wrinkled slightly in distaste. "Those are just too sweet for me, but I'll have a cup of coffee." He walked over to the counter and poured himself a mug from the coffee maker, taking it over to the table and sitting down across from her. "How are you feeling Justine?" he asked.
She smiled. "I'm fine, except I'm getting tired of constantly answering that question. Seems like ever since I got here I've been spending my time sleeping and fighting off headaches."
"It's all right Justine." Magnus assured her. "I did push you too hard yesterday with the mice. I-I should have seen you were getting weaker and stopped it earlier. I'm sorry."
She paused with a spoon of cereal half way to her mouth and looked at him, her eyes wide. "No, don't be sorry!" She lowered the spoon back into the bowl. "I-I'm the one who ought to be apologizing!"
Now it was Magnus' turn to be surprised. "Justine, what do you have to apologize for?"
"I dunno." She shrugged. "Being weak I guess."
"Justine, you are not weak."
"I feel like I am sometimes." She sighed, pushing the bowl off to the side. "You try to work with me and I just keep getting headaches..." Her voice trailed off and she bit her lower lip. "I-I've always wanted to thank you."
"Thank me?" A puzzled smile curled the corners of Magnus' mouth. "Whatever for?"
"Simply? For giving me a life." She fixed her gaze onto his. "For making it so I didn't die in that basement."
He smiled softly. "You don't have to thank me for that Justine. I would have done the same thing for any other mutant who needed help."
Her gaze cut to the table and her shoulders slumped. "Is that all I am to you Magnus? A powerful mutant you feel you have to help?"
He hesitated, torn between the need to comfort Justine and still remain professionally distant. "Well, perhaps at first that was all. But, as we've worked together, I feel I've gotten to know you, and... I like you."
Her shoulders straightened and she smiled, looking back at him. "I'm glad," she said, almost shyly.
"Good." He sipped his coffee not knowing if he should add to that and if so what it should be. This entire situation made him uncomfortable. Logan's words from yesterday came into his mind; 'She'd walk across broken glass for you.' At one time in his life such devotion would have been useful, even necessary, but he was trying to change his methods. It wasn't always easy.
Justine moved the bowl back in front of her and started eating again. "You know, there is a lot I don't know about you Magnus." she commented between bites.
"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow. "I assume you've spoken to other people in this place about me. I'm certain they've filled you in on most of the details."
"Yeah, they've given me lots of facts." She nodded as if to confirm her words. "But facts are just.. facts. They don't really tell you about a person, how he feels, what he dreams about."
"My dreams are nothing to concern yourself about," he said, not wishing to go into a lengthily explanation of his political views of mutants and flatscanners. Particularly since his views had altered a bit, at least on the surface.
"Okay, maybe that was a little too personal." Justine grinned. "Let's do an easier one then; what's your favorite color?"
"Depends on my mood and what it's being used for," he said, the corners of his mouth turning upwards slightly.
"Back in my court eh?" Her grin widened. "Okay... how about for, uh... rooms?"
As he opened his mouth to answer her, Logan and Kitty walked into the kitchen. "No fair!" Kitty was exclaiming. "Using your heightened senses t'sniff me out was definitely taking advantage." She walked over to the refrigerator, pulling out a jug of orange juice.
"We weren't playing hide-and-go-seek for the fun of it, it was a training exercise," Logan said. "All's fair in combat darlin."
"Yeah, yeah." Kitty rolled her eyes, smiling as she poured two glasses of juice and handed one to Logan. She looked over at Magnus and Justine as if she just noticed they were there. "Oops! I didn't mean to be rude, Hi."
"Hello," Magnus said calmly.
Logan gulped down his juice and put the glass in the sink. "Hi Justy, how's the head?"
Justine smiled. "Doing pretty good actually."
"Glad t'hear it," Logan nodded and looked over at Kitty. "You still wanna go int' town?" When the girl nodded in agreement, he grinned. "Well, can ya give me a half hour t'shower and change?"
Kitty nodded. "That sounds great. It will give me a chance to do the same." She turned and looked at Justine and Magnus. "Do you want to come along?"
"Sure," Justine answered almost immediately. She looked over at Magnus expecting him to shake his head; but to her surprise, he nodded.
"If it's no trouble, yes I would. There are a few things I need to pick up."
"Well then, be ready in half an hour," Logan said simply.