You lock the door
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the darkside of the moon
(Roger Waters--Brain Damage)
Justine woke from her dream, sweat clinging to her face, her breath coming in short gasps from her throat. It hadn't been exactly a nightmare, but it stirred up a lot of feelings and memories she wasn't sure she wanted to deal with.
As much as she enjoyed life "above" ground, it brought with it it's own set of problems. When she lived in the basement, it was easy to dismiss everything around her. There was something wrong with her, so if anything seemed wrong, it probably wasn't, it was probably just her. She didn't have that comfort anymore. She knew she wasn't the most stable individual walking around, but she wasn't insane either. If her memories were correct, and she had the feeling they were, things had happened in that basement that were wrong. Things told to her, done to her that were bad, even illegal. What could she do about it though? Even if she could return to Jericho, they weren't going to listen to her. Maybe she wasn't the anti-Christ, but she knew being a mutant wasn't going to make people like her any more. Mutants were hated and feared worse than the anti-Christ. After all, most of the world wasn't sure the anti-Christ even existed, but Mutants were as real as life could get.
She looked over to the clock on her bedside, noting that the glowing numbers read 1:30 a.m. It was late, but she knew sometimes Magnus stayed up late, she needed to talk to him. She wasn't quite sure what she needed to talk to him about, she just knew she needed someone, preferably him to tell her it was going to be okay. Her mind would eventually calm down and be able to deal with all of this.
She got out of bed, slipping a robe on over her nightgown and walked down the stairs. Going to the door to the study, she realized there was no light coming from under it. He wasn't in there; he must be asleep. Disappointment rose from her chest into a lump, that seemed to lodge itself into her throat. She leaned forward, her head softly thumping onto the hard wooden door, fighting a sudden urge to cry. Quit being a baby! she told herself. He's asleep. It's No Big Deal. You can talk to him tomorrow. Cheese Wizz Justine, it's not like he's your father and has to be waiting around for you to need him or something; he's in charge of this whole place! Grow up. You had a weird dream, but that's all it was, a dream. It can't grow teeth and bite you; it isn't real.
"Are you all right?" a voice suddenly asked.
Justine whirled away from the door, afraid and embarrassed. "I-I-I'm fine!" she stammered. Great, she had to be found hitting her head on the door by a virtual stranger. "I-I just w-wanted to see if Magnus was awake, that's all..."
"Kinda late to expect him t'be up and about isn't it?" Scott Summers asked her calmly, leaning up against the wall.
"Yeah..." Justine said slowly. Part of her felt she owed him some sort of explanation for her behavior, so she drew in a deep breath. "I-I just kinda had a weird dream and it woke me up. I wasn't, like being a baby and going crying to him, I just couldn't get back to sleep and wanted to see if he was up, that's all. It's no big deal you know?"
"I didn't say it was," Scott said, smiling. Justine wished she could see his eyes, to see if his smile was one of amusement or pity. Those red glasses made her nervous.
"Strange dream, huh?" Scott continued. "Those happen to everyone from time to time. Do you feel like your world has been shaken up a bit and you're trying to figure out what's real and what was just the dream?"
She stared at him, mouth opening slightly in amazement. That's exactly how she felt, how did he know? "Y-yeah," she said, nodding.
"What was the dream about?"
"I don't want to tell you," she blurted out. Mr. Summers might be perceptive, but Justine wasn't ready to sit and chat with him about her dreams. She cringed, wondering if he'd think she was rude and yell at her or something, maybe even slap her for being impolite and disrespectful.
He shrugged casually. "I understand, you hardly know me. Well, I'm glad it was just a dream and nothing serious. I'm going to go have a cup of coffee. Want to join me?"
"Coffee? At this hour of the night?" Justine asked. She felt relieved he wasn't making a big deal out of her refusing to tell him her dream. She stepped closer to him, sniffing. He smelled a little funny, like Logan and some of the others did, when they went out at night... like the Blackness sometimes smelled when he came down to visit her in the basement. She knew now what that smell was, alcohol. Probably beer. "Are you drunk?"
He laughed; not at all upset at her question. "Logan and I were popping a few awhile ago. I'm not exactly sober, but I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm drunk. That's why I wanted to have some coffee. Clear my head a bit. So, do you want to join me or what?" He looked at her.
Justine debated for a moment if she should shake her head and just return to bed. She wasn't tired and she knew if she did go lie down, she'd just stare at the ceiling. "Do I have to drink coffee?" she asked shyly. "I hate the taste of that stuff."
He laughed again, a low chuckle that didn't sound at all unpleasant to her ears. "No, you don't have to drink coffee. You don't have to drink anything at all if you don't want."
"Well, I wouldn't mind a glass of orange juice" Justine admitted.
"Great, then you'll have orange juice and I'll have coffee."
i know it's not the right thing.
and i know it's not a good thing.
but kinda i want to.
maybe just for tonight.
we can pretend it's alright.
what's the price i pay, i don't care what they say.
i want to. i want to (i'll take my chance tonight)
(Nine Inch Nails [Trent Reznor]--kinda i want to)
They left the hall and went into the kitchen. Justine took a pitcher of orange juice and a glass to the table and watched as Scott started a pot of coffee brewing. She felt shy and awkward. This person was figuratively a strange to her, they'd only met briefly early that evening, yet here she sat in her nightgown and robe, about ready to start casually chatting with him. What do people casually chat about this late at night? she wondered. "This is kinda weird for me," she finally confessed.
"What do you mean?" he asked, as he poured the water for the coffee into the reservoir.
"This... late night talking." She tipped her head to one side. "I-I haven't had much of a chance to talk to many people casual in my life."
"Well, considering what you've been through, I understand." He looked over at her, noting the worried and perplexed expression on her face. "Uh, Logan filled me in on how you came to be here Justine. I hope you don't mind. I-I was a member of the X-men for many years, the people here are... my family in a sense. Logan knows that, which is why he felt it was okay to tell me."
She gulped. "It-it's okay... I don't mind."
"I'm glad," he said softly. "You shouldn't, after all, it wasn't your fault what happened to you."
"I know that now, I didn't all my life," she confessed.
He nodded, not saying anything as he waited for the coffee to finish dripping. She watched him, wondering what she should do. She was the last person to speak, did this mean that she had to wait until he spoke again? On the other hand, he'd nodded at what she'd said, did that mean that it was now up to her to say something? She wondered how people ever got used to this casual chatting stuff.
"B-besides," she added, hoping it would be all right to add to her original statement after so much time passed, "It's not like I don't' know anything about you. Logan and some of the others have spoken about you before."
"Uh-oh," he said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "That sounds serious. How much of a jerk did they paint me to be?"
Justine shook her head, her eyes wide. "They didn't say anything bad, I swear!" she hastily assured him. "L-Logan said you used to work them hard, but he didn't say that was a bad thing!"
"It's okay Justine, I was just teasing," Scott explained, his voice calm. She was such a jumpy thing with little-to-no understanding of subtle nuances, mild sarcasm. "Logan and I had more than a few arguments when I was living here. All of us did. The X-men are like a family and with any family, you know the good and bad in everyone. Sometimes they get on your nerves, sometimes you want to punch them in the mouth, but they're your family and you know they'll be there if you need them. Tell me Justine, do you feel that way? Or are you still getting used to everyone here?" He looked at her, head tipped to one side; waiting to see what she would say.
Justine gulped. "I-I don't really...remember much of what it's like to have a family, s-so I don't know if that's what everyone here is to me. I-I do know that I care f-for everyone here. L-Logan's very... understanding with me. He-he's not afraid to tell me when I'm acting kinda stupid, but he doesn't make me feel bad about it. Kurt, Kitty, Storm, Illyana.. they're all so nice to me... they make me feel... almost normal. Magnus, well, he's..." she stopped abruptly; not really sure she should be speaking to Scott about him.
"What about Magnus?" Scott asked gently. "Logan says you're very fond of him."
"Yes," Justine confessed softly, biting her lower lip. "He-he's helped me, rescued me. Even when he found out wh-what it is I could do, he wasn't afraid of me. He... accepted me, without question. Nobody ever did that before."
"Why shouldn't he accept you?" Scott asked in a matter-of-fact tone. "What's so bad about your ability?"
"Did Logan tell you what it is I can do?"
"He told me you bring people back to life." Scott's voice still radiated calm.
Justine's brows furrowed in puzzlement. "Doesn't that strike you as a little scary? I mean, it's not a very typical ability is it? Only person who was ever able t'bring someone back to life was Jesus Christ."
"It's a very different ability, I'll grant you that, but that doesn't mean it's bad," Scott explained. "It's a gift. A very different and powerful gift. You just need to be very careful when you use it."
"I'm not going to use it." Justine said firmly. "Magnus says it's wrong."
"It shouldn't matter what Magnus says Justine, you are your own person. You decide if it's wrong or not."
Justine stared at him for a long moment, afraid to speak. She didn't know what she expected him to say in this late night conversation, but she knew it wasn't this. She wondered if she should make some excuse and head back to bed, this conversation was bothering her.
Scott sensed her discomfort. "I'm sorry if I'm making you uneasy," he said softly. "We don't have to discuss this."
Justine drew in a sigh of relief. "O-okay."
Silence fell over the table for a minute. Justine fidgeted in her chair. Though she was grateful they weren't going to discuss her ability any more, she now had the uncomfortable feeling it was up to her to start another line of conversation. "Uh... so, you're married huh?" she asked. Oh, that was good, she scolded herself. Like he doesn't know he's married. God Justine, you're so dumb!
Scott didn't' seem to think it was such a stupid thing to say, or if he did, he didn't show it. "Yes, I am. I have a son too."
"He-he must be cute," Justine said. She figured this was a safe subject, everyone thought their babies were cute.
"He's quite a little guy," Scott said proudly.
Justine drew in a sharp breath of relief. It was obvious she'd said the right thing. For the next few minutes Scott told her all about Christopher Nathan Summers, finally pulling his wallet out of his back pocket to show her pictures. "He's adorable," Justine said honestly.
"I certainly think so," Scott said, the love and pride for his child shinning in his eyes.
Justine studied the photograph. It showed a very young Christopher Nathan Summers being held by an attractive woman with red hair. "Is that your wife?" she asked shyly. "She's pretty."
"Yes, Maddie is a beautiful woman," Scott said, his tone flat and emotionless, as if agreeing with something he'd heard many times, but didn't really care about one way or another.
"Logan is right, she does look like Jean!" Justine blurted out, before thinking. She realized what she'd said the moment the words were out of her mouth and her face flushed bright red. "I-I uh.. I've seen pictures of her.. of all the X-men... They're on the wall in the study," she hastily explained. "And... Logan has told me a-about her... about everyone. I'm-I'm sorry if that sounded tasteless." She hung her head, looking down at the table ashamed.
"It's all right," Scott assured her. "It wasn't tasteless, it was just honest. Yes, Maddie does look quite a bit like Jean. That's one of the reasons I was attracted to her in the first place." He paused for a moment, fiddling with his cup of coffee. "Jean was very special to me."
"I-I know," Justine said, running her fingers along her glass for lack of anything better to do. "L-Logan told me th-the both of you were... in love. Gonna get married and all." She hoped she wasn't saying the wrong things again. "Uh... from all I've heard, she must have been a very... wonderful person. I-I wish I could have met her."
There was a long pause, both of them played with their drinking utensils as if they might hold answers they both sought. Justine felt as if a hard rubber ball was forming in her stomach. I did it again, she thought. I said something really stupid. Now I've gotten him thinking about this poor woman. She pretty much knew now that Scott wasn't the type of person to reach out and whack her across the face, but he did strike her as the type to be... disappointed.
"You could meet her, you know," Scott suddenly said, looking up at her.
"Huh?" For a moment, Justine didn't understand, then her mind grasped the words and the implications of those six simple words. The rubber ball in her stomach seemed to leap into her throat and stick there tightly, making it seem as if all the air in her lungs was stuck there. "Wh-what do you mean?" she asked, speaking softly and breathlessly.
"I think you know exactly what I mean," Scott answered calmly.
Justine fought the urge to reach out and snatch the glasses off his face, just to see his eyes as he spoke. She could almost picture what they'd look like, cold, assuming... with a sparkle of life he tried to hide from her. "N-no," she stammered. "I-I can't do that!"
"Why not?" Scott asked, softly. He hadn't moved in his seat, didn't lean back away from her, or lean forward closer to her. He might as well have been asking her if she'd mind running to the store for a bag of cheese curls. Justine knew this solid stance was deliberate on his part. He didn't want to frighten her. He wanted to slowly bring her over to his way of thinking.
Knowing what he was doing didn't make it easier for her. "I-I can't!" she repeated. "I just can't!"
"Yes you can," Scott disagreed. "We both know you can. Now he leaned forward, not much, but enough for Justine to notice. "You might not feel you should, but you can do it. You've done it before. Jean Grey was a wonderful person. She never should have died. You can correct a terrible wrong here."
A million thoughts were running around like kittens chasing butterflies in her head. She couldn't sort them out; this conversation scared the wits out of her. Deep down she knew this whole talk was wrong, Scott was asking her to do something wrong. She knew she should simply say; "No, I won't," rise from the table, and walk back to her room, but she felt glued to the seat because...
Because part of her wanted to do this. "B-But I promised Magnus I'd never do that!" she blurted out.
"Since when did Magnus become your boss?" Scott asked, his voice not raising a decibel. "I understand you're grateful to him for all he's done for you, but you're a person Justine. Your gift is your business, as well as your right to use it. Think carefully Justine, think of what happiness you could bring. Her parents miss her so, they'd be so glad to have her back. Everyone here loved her, not just me. They might say they don't want her to return, but if they did, they'd be so glad to see her, so grateful to you for bringing her back." His voice started getting more emotional as he spoke.
The kittens of thoughts continued to chase the butterflies of reason and the hard rubber ball had turned to something the density of diamond. "I-I can't!" Somewhere in her head, were all the right things to say, but she couldn't get them to follow from the brain to the mouth. "Besides," she blurted out, "I don't even know where... her body is. If I raised her now, she'd be trapped in a coffin!" She didn't know if this was the right thing to say or not, but maybe it would work. Maybe it would stop him for tonight, and tomorrow she could ask Magnus what she should say to him, how she should handle this.
Scott's expression changed to a wide smile, convinced now that he'd won. "Don't worry about that!" He rose to his feet, coming over and holding out a hand for her, to help her from the table. "I can take you to where she is!" He didn't notice all the color had drained from Justine's face, that she shook violently, or that her eyes were wet with tears. His mind only focused on what he wanted. "C'mon Justine."
The part of her that wanted to do this spoke loudly into her mind. Do it Justine! Go with him; make him happy! He's right, it's your gift, it's up to you to choose how you use it! Hesitantly, she reached out and took his hand, her own wet with nervous sweat. She allowed him to help her stand.
"Oh, Justine, you won't be sorry!" Scott exclaimed, trying to lead her from the table, "You'll see, this will be wonderful!"
Justine could say nothing. She let him begin to lead her out of the room. As he guided her, she her mind flashed to her earlier dream. She suddenly had a vision of Scott's hand, not only holding hers, but holding her plate too. This is not good, she thought. Not good at all.."
As Scott led her from the kitchen, he almost ran straight into Magnus.
Roses have thorns and shinning waters mud
I've spent too many years at war with myself
The doctor has told me it's not good for my health.
After today consider me gone
and cancer lurks deep in the sweetest bud
Clouds and eclipses stain the moon and the sun
And history reeks of the wrongs we have done
After today, consider me gone
To search for perfection is all very well
But to look for heaven is to live here in hell
(Sting--Consider Me Gone)
"What the hell are you doing, Mr. Summer?" Magnus' eyes flashed dangerously, his voice sounding as if they were sprayed with a coating of ice.
He knows! Justine thought, gulping, unable to speak. He's heard us talking, at least some of it. He knows. He's mad. He's more than mad; he's furious. He knows part of me wants to do this, I've... I've fucked up big time.
"N-nothing." Scott said, his excitement washing away from him.
"Nothing?" Magnus asked, keeping his eyes fixed on Scott.
Scott drew himself up to full height. "Nothing that's any of your business, Magnus. This is between Justine and myself." He let go of Justine's hand.
Justine felt as if something broke when Scott dropped her hand. For a moment, she thought her dream plate had somehow become real. She could feel it dropping, feel it breaking again. Not where it was glued, but across that. A new break. She drew in a sharp breath and realized there was no plate. Nothing broke on the outside; it was something on the inside.
"I don't think so," Magnus said, his voice cold and calm. "I know exactly what you were planning Scott. And I don't appreciate it, One. Little. Bit." His eyes narrowed into steely slits as he spat out his words.
Before Scott could answer, the air managed to push itself from Justine's throat, in a raspy gasp. Magnus immediately turned his gaze to her direction, his eyes widening, softening. "Justine, are you all right?" he asked, his voice soft and filled with concern.
The kind tone, after his previous harshness was too much. Justine moved away from Scott, flinging herself at Magnus, tears streaming down her face. "Don't hate me!" she sobbed loudly. "I'm sorry!"
Magnus' arms folded around her, gently, protectively. "It's all right, Justine," he told her softly. "I think I know exactly what happened and it's not your fault."
"Y-you don't understand!" Justine wailed, feeling she had to explain. "There was part of me.. part of me that wanted to!"
"It's all right," he repeated, patting her back, as if she were a tiny child crying over a scraped elbow. He looked over her shoulder at Scott, his eyes narrowing. "I'm sure you wouldn't have thought of this on your own, you needed to be... pushed."
Scott just stood there while Magnus comforted Justine, assuring her over and over again that it was all right, that he didn't hate her. After a while, Justine's sobs subsided and her shaking stopped. "Are you all right now?" Magnus asked her.
She looked at him, her eyes red-rimmed, but no longer wet with tears and nodded.
He nodded too. "Why don't you go off to bed?" he suggested. "Get some sleep, we'll speak of this further in the morning."
"A-all r-r-right," she stuttered, drawing away from him reluctantly. As she turned to leave the room, she paused and looked at him. "Please forgive me," she whispered.
"I would forgive you," Magnus said calmly, "If you'd done anything wrong. However, I don't think you did. I am not upset with you at all Justine."
A weak smile crossed her face. "Thank God," she whispered. "I don't think I could live with myself if you hated me." Before Magnus could answer, she scurried out from the room, headed for the stairs.
When she left, Magnus turned his attention back to Scott. "Mr. Summers," he began, his voice completely calm, almost... casual. "If I ever hear of you asking Justine to use her ability, even if it is to bring a leaf back from the dead, I will personally kill you." With that, he turned and left the room.
Scott watched him leave, swallowing hard. Threats against him were a fact of life, being a mutant, and he was sure he'd grown immune to them, but Magnus' chilled him completely.
He had the feeling Magnus wouldn't mind carrying through on the threat at all.