1. There came a time upon the land of Egypt, making a bit of a mess, when An Argh Labah, son of Wai Con Su, son of Alt Janah So, son of Hong Kong Fuey lay down with Di Anne Ahh as his wife and begat the child En Sabah Nur.

2. And the sky was dark, and the sun was cold, and the people of Egypt were pissed off as they had come for their Summer Holidays. But the land was wroth because of the birth of the child En Sabah Nur, because verily did he crieth at night and waketh all the neighbors.

3. But though they had been warned of the evil of this child, did the two people of Egypt, An Argh Labah and his wife, Di Anne Ah, love this child and care for him, saying of him to all around
"Awww, he's such a little sweetie."

4. And the child grew to manhood, learning much from the wise sayings of his parents, preserved from father to son to son to son. So too did En Sabah Nur learn of the teachings of manhood
"A Bird in the Bush be-eth fine, so long as her boyfriend be-eth smaller than thou"
"If she be-eth fair as the summer days, kind as the milk from thy mother's breast, and pure as the morning sun, then thou art buggered, for thou standeth not a chance, my son"

5. And the child En Sabah Nur did learn the great teachings, and study the great scholars. And even though he gaineth the BsC in Physics and Astronomy, still only he getteth the job in McDonalds, and he was wroth.

6. And it happened that he grew angry, and he did cast himself out from his job and his family, swearing a mighty oath as he did so
"Bugger the bloody fries!!! Sod the Chicken Burgers!!! I've had enough!!!"

7. And it did happen that he took upon himself the name of Apocalypse, meaning 'He who no longer wipes tables' and did swear revenge upon the teachers and scholars of Egypt.

1. And truly one hundred years did pass, leaving a mess on the carpet, and Apocalypse grew strong and powerful, and he gathered to himself a mighty army, that he might smite the great teachers of Egypt, and destroy the proud land.

2. And he did lead this army against Egypt to wage mighty war, that he might revenge himself upon the staff at McDonalds and all who had taunted him at that mighty temple.

3. And early upon that fateful day did he lead this army into Egypt, a mighty leader flanked by ten score hundred warriors on each side. And it happened that he did come to his mother, who sayeth unto him
"Ohh, 'ello Sabah. I'd love to stay and chat, but you'll have to come back later 'cause EastEnders is on."

4. And he crieth in agony, for even though he be-eth one hundred and twenty years old, still too could his mother maketh him feel like an eight year old again. But his heart grew hard, and he led his mighty army through Egypt, causing much death and tracking mud all over the carpet.

5. And he crieth in triumph at his victory over his teachers, until his father spoketh to him, giving unto him a Clippeth Round the Ear
"Don't talk back to your teachers, they get little enough pay as it is"

6. And in despair did the Apocalypse leave his country of Egypt, travelling far unto the distant plains, and learning much of the secrets of power. And he swore never again to taste the food of McDonalds, pledging instead his timeless alleigence to the foods of Pizza Hut, which were nicer and gave free garlic bread with an order over five quid.

1. And it came to pass that the world grew large, and its people many. And truly was wisdom sought after, and knowledge studied and learnt. And though the minds of men grew heavy with learning, still it was said that no-one knew whether the light went off when the glove compartment shut or not.

2. And Apocalypse did grow strong, learning these mighty facts of knowledge, and teaching the mighty teachers of his time. And he did argue late unto the night, discoursing heavily with wisdom of the ages
"No, my friend. I know not why this tele-contraption only ringeth when thou taketh a bath. I know only that it never be-eth for me, anyway"

3. And he did learn of others like him, others who had learned the secrets of human mind, eternal life, and how to fill in tax forms. And he did know these people, for some of them were Baywatch cast, and were mighty knowable indeed.

4. And he did learn of Mr Sinister, whose life work lay in jeans, and his many partners, Mr Lee, Mr Levi and Mr Wrangler. And he did teach him of his wisdom, teaching the ways of survival of the fittest. And Sinister did worry, thinking
"That's me buggered then. I get out of breath running for the bus"

5. And truly did come the time of the Twentieth Century, and Apocalypse knew his time was near and his plans were unfolding. And he did see his power growing, and he did laugh mightily, and he did laugh loud and strong, especially in the 60's when he licketh too many stamps with funny pictures on.

6. And he watched the women grow stronger, and the men wail in torment as they had to do their own washing and ironing. And he watched the world grow divided and apart as Geography Wars swept the world like a plague. And he watched as the mutants appeared, looking strange and unusual and frightening the men of the world, except in New York, where no-body noticed.

7. And did the world of men grow strong and powerful, a world of strange and fearful creatures, a world of Mutants and Monsters and Breakfast Television Presenters.

And then things started to get wierd.