"But I keep telling you, we're not supposed to be here!" Samuel Pryde said angrily. "Our van is just broken down outside. We're only passing through."
"Uh-huh," said the unsympathetic bartender disbelievingly. "Look, your creator used to churn out an average of two chapters every twelve hours. He hasn't even done an outline in over a week. Face it, kid--Falstaff's forgotten all about you. Happens to the best of us, kid. Me, I was a hot-shot superhero for all of one issue. I never even made the big break into fan-fic, even though I'm supposed to be the Canadian reserve member of the World War II Invaders. But hey," Major Mapleleaf said, polishing the walnut-wood bar, "you'll get used to it. It's not so bad here."
"Aye," thundered a red-bearded giant of a man at the end of the bar. "I used to be a regular here meself, lad. And if not for Falstaff, Sue Wong, Seng Mah, and the rest of the Alpha Flight Fan-fic List, the whole First Flight team would probably still be here."
"Want another Molson's, Saint Elmo?" the Major asked.
"Of course!"
Down the bar, four young women--exactly identical, save that one seemed around fourteen, one seventeen, and the other two in their middle twenties.
The former two were in various stages of pregnancy.
"I dunno. He seems to have forgotten all about me," the fourteen-year-old said. "What a jerk! I mean, he left me right in the middle of the 'morning-sickness' phase! How the hell could he do that?"
"I had Falstaff ask Rob about that," one of the elder ones said. "Rob said he had too much going on. Tough luck, Jubie."
"Hey, at least the three of you have love-lives!" the other elder one exclaimed. "I'm stuck with a boyfriend who was two years older than me, and who's now five years younger. Our date could turn into a felony!"
"Yeah, but I'd love to have control of the Phoenix force like the two of you," the sixteen-year-old said. "It must be great to have cool powers!"
"Cool powers won't save you, Jubilee," a tough-looking little man at a corner table said. "You have to depend on your wits."
"'Scuse me," said an attractive young woman, sideling up to the man, "but have we met?"
"Only once, but it was a long time ago. I'm the Human Wolverine. I been here since Claremont left the X-Men. Hama's great, but this whole feral thing pisses me off somethin' awful!" He demonstrated by flashing his adimantium claws with a *snikt*.
"Oh. I guess I'm your niece, although Darqstar wasn't too clear. I'm Dakota," she said.
"Don't they have cures for that?"
"Hey, I don't understand," Douglas Ramsey said, nudging Rachel Summers. "We all got out after the whole "Comic Limbo" thing. And then you and I are right back here. And I thought I was going to be in the new "Forgotten X-Men" story!"
"You were, Doug," Rachel reminded him, "But it was all inferred. You were killed before Falstaff even wrote chapter one."
Doug placed his head in his hands. "I'm never getting out of here . . . .."
"What do you mean, you need to see some I.D.?" Lita Wu asked incredulously. "I'm a perfectly normal fan-fic character!"
"Not entirely," the Manager--who was properly ambiguous-looking so as to be described by countless fan-fic writers--said. "Not only are you based in part on your creator's real life, you've only been archived on a backwater page in the middle of nowhere."
"The Uncle Judd page is not the middle of nowhere! Just because most people don't know about it because CFAN's down, and because that idiot Falstaff hasn't told the idiot Scri--"
"Shh! She'll hear you!" the Manager hissed.
"I don't care!" Lita growled. "I'm in the middle of a great out-of-character rant here!"
"Well, you should care!" the Manager growled back. "The Scribe owns this place. She and Tapestry came up with the whole idea. If she wants, she can shut the whole place down."
"Say," Sikudhani McCoy asked, walking over to the Manager and Lita, "Exactly who is this Falstaff guy? I mean, I never heard of him."
The Manager shook his/her (hey, I said ambiguous) head sadly. "He's a fan-fic writer. But he hasn't been around long enough for anyone to notice him, and he's only got two stories posted--and he never posts to ACFF, so he must be getting desperate. He wrote tonight. I'm hoping a better writer comes along--I'm really sick of dealing with Alpha Flight alumnae and X-Men stock characters and Amalgam rejects." The Manager looked at his/her pocketwatch. "Okay, two o'clock! Closing time! Everybody who has an established fan-fic, get out! The rest of you are stuck here!
"And you!" the Manager said to the affable-looking rotund fellow in the corner, banging away on an ancient Epson PC. "Writers aren't allowed! You know the rules!"
"But--but--" Falstaff whined, trying to smooth his disheveled red beard, "But the Scribe was in here in the first post! I saw her in the corner!"
"How many times do I have to tell you?" the Manager asked. "You can't write yourself into a fan-fic; it's tacky. And this fan-fic's a great idea with a lot of class. So go on--get out!"
"Geez, what's his/her problem?" Falstaff whined again as he trudged down the Information Super-Byway (Internet Sidewalk, don'chaknow) "I guess I'll have to just say where I got the characters from and get back to work . . . .."
Enough of the third person stuff! Sorry if this was lame; hey, it's my first post. Be gentle, huh?
So anyway: the fourteen-year-old Jubilee is from "A Jubilee Story" by Rob Peterson.
The sixteen-year-old version is from "Jubilee and Company," a pretty good story whose writer I cannot remember; and I'm too lazy to go to the GenX archive and look, so that it
The two Phoenix-wielding Jubilees are from Lady Phoenix's "Jubilation Phoenix" and my own "Forgotten X-Men."
Samuel (Ghost) Pryde is also from "Forgotten X-Men."
Saint Elmo and the First Flight, plus--separately--Major Mapleleaf, were created by Scott Lobdell, but have most recently appeared in various works
by Seng Mah, Sue Wong, myself, and the rest of the Alpha Flight Fan-fic List.
Lita Wu is from Sue Wong's "Reunion."
The 'human Wolverine' is an attempt at humor, but can probably by traced to some good stuff by Darqstar or Aurora.
Dakota is from, uh, a story by Darqstar that I read and enjoyed, but swiftly forgot the title to.
Doug Ramsey and Rachel Summers are from X-Men, originally, but the versions seen here are from the story "Comic Limbo." No, I can't remember who wrote that one either. You'd think a prospective writing teacher would be better at this . . . .
Sikudhani McCoy is, as always, Darqstar's.
The Manager belongs to him/herself, having never appeared in a fan-fic before. It's my hope that he/she will be kept around in later Subreality Cafe stories.
Falstaff if mine; after all, if I don't have a copyright on me, then I don't have much, eh? I made my first fan-fic appearance here, in "Raindrops Keep Falling In My Beer." The title, incidentally has nothing to do with anything. I just like it.
Okay. That's it. These aren't the droids you're looking for. You can go about your business. Move along!
Yours,
Falstaff
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