The Times That Try Men's Hearts

It was a frustrating day for DEC, the High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse, and it was only getting worse.

All day, people had been hitting the server. The numbers were incredible. Every time his disciples, (A.K.A, his kids) wanted to get on the Internet, things ran slowly, mostly because of the huge load of people visiting... the site. The site that mostly he loved, but on days like today, he hated.

If that was not enough, the person responsible for the site, the woman who innocently asked a little over a year ago, "would you mind if I put up this little archive?" was doing some constant rearranging. She was moving stories from directory this into directory that, setting up sub-directories at the drop of a dime, and in general, playing total havoc with his statistics page. Little archive, my butt, he though. Every day she's updating the darned thing. I joked with her once that if she needed it, I'd give her a gig of space. I wonder if it's really such a joke.

Frustrated and weary eyed, he leaned over the keyboard, squinting at the monitor. "Why do I do this?" he asked the monitor, as he debated if he should take apart the magnificent Doghouse and add more RAM or a faster processor. The problem was that if he took down the Doghouse, then she would pester him half to death. "What can I do?" he asked the monitor.

The monitor, although a very good one, with an excellent dot pitch and terrific video resolution, had no answer for his problems.

Putting his head in his hands, he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Sir? Your Holy Highness, High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse?"

He recognized the voice, but could not believe he was hearing it. "How the heck did you get here? You're supposed to be back in New England, freezing your butt off!" He did not turn from the monitor.

"This is a story," the voice replied. "In a story, anything is possible."

"I'm in a story?" he asked, turning away from the computer to look at the bane of his existence, the person responsible for the heavy load on the precious Doghouse.

When he saw her, he blinked. He rubbed his eyes and looked away for a moment, then looked back. Nope, nothing changed. She was still there; he just could not believe his eyes. "Since when did you start wearing long, flowing, white dresses and flowers in your hair?"

"About the same time you started wearing those white robes."

"I'm not wearing-" he began, then looked down and saw she was right. "What happened to my real clothes?"

"Need I remind you, it's a story." She rolled her eyes. "And in this story, you wear a long, white robe."

"How tacky." He made a face.

"Fine talk coming from someone who wanted my husband, his brother, to wear Mickey Mouse suspenders for our wedding," she retorted.

"Okay, you've got me there," he admitted, suppressing a grin. She had managed to put the kibosh on the suspenders, but thank goodness she never found out about the Scooby-Doo socks all the male members of the wedding party had worn.

"Oh, that's what you think," she said, eyes narrowing. "I know all about the socks. And I know it was your idea. White socks at a wedding, indeed."

He tried not to laugh. "My idea?" he innocently asked.

She snorted in reply. "Look, that's all besides the point. You're feeling discouraged, and I am here to help you." A mysterious yellow light began forming around her.

"Nice special effects," he commented. "How are you going to help me?"

"By showing you what this all is for, what purpose the archive serves." As she spoke, she spread her arms wide. The light surrounding her seemed to glow brighter. "We are going to take a fantastic journey, to a very special place tonight." Her face took on an angelic look and small, colorful birds suddenly appeared out of nowhere, landing on her shoulders, chirping beautiful, cheerful, and annoying songs that sounded like something straight out of a Disney Movie.

"I'm sorry, the birds are too much," the High Priest said, shaking his head.

"Oh, darn, I kinda liked them." She snapped her fingers though, and the birds disappeared. "Okay, no birds. Now, shall we go?"

"Look, Ci-"

Before the word was completely out of his mouth, she slapped her hand over it, hard. "You may not call me by that name, I am Darqstar!"

It was on the tip of his tongue to say, "you're insane too," but he wisely refrained. Who knows what she was capable of, besides, she controlled the keyboard that was writing this tale. "Why? It is your real name."

"Not when I'm writing it's not," she disagreed. "I like to keep the two factions of my life separated. Right now, I am the person with the archive. I am Darqstar! I need you to respect this."

"You need the number of a good therapist," he disagreed.

She reached out and grabbed the front of his white robe, standing on tiptoes and trying to put her face into his. Due to his height though, she was no where near his face. However, she still managed to look menacing. "Hey, if you get to be DEC, the High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse, in this tale, I get to be Darqstar."

"Okay, whatever." He knew better than to argue when she was in one of these moods. "Can we get on with this then? I don't want to miss Jerry Springer."

"Some things can't be rushed," she said. "Besides, Jerry's a repeat. But anyway, take my hand."

He did as she requested. "Your palm is all sweaty," he complained.

"Just hush up and close your eyes," she commanded.

After a few more minutes of pointless arguing, which would be a waste of the readers time to write up, DEC finally did close his eyes. "I will not click my heels together though," he said. "I think I've let you humiliate me enough with the robes."

"Hush!" she commanded. "Listen!"

"Listen for what?"

"The harp music that says something mystical is going to happen."

He cocked his head to one side and listened. Sure enough in the distance, he could hear the music. Softly at first, then louder and louder, until it was all he could hear. He kept his eyes shut, even after it disappeared.

"All right," Darqstar said. "You can open them now."

He did. They were standing outside a building. A sign above the door read, Subreality Café. "You brought me to a restaurant?" he asked in disbelief.

"Not just any restaurant," she said. "I brought you to the Subreality Cafe."

"Do they make good burgers?" He was starting to feel a little hungry, he supposed having a mystical experience could do that to a person.

"I didn't bring you here to eat," she said. "I brought you here to give you hope."

He was not quite sure if he wanted hope or a burger, but he decided the best thing to do, for now, was to play along and see what developed. Together they approached the door and walked inside.

As they walked in, a heavyset man started towards them. "I'm sorry, no writers tonight," he said.

Darqstar rolled her eyes and pointed to DEC. "He isn't a writer. He's DEC the High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse."

The bouncer looked visibly impressed. "I-I had no idea. Please, excuse me, sir."

"It-it's all right," DEC said, feeling a bit confused at all this awe being thrown in his direction by a bouncer. Usually, he only inspired instant hero worship in computer geeks and other like-minded people.

They started to walk into the Cafe, when the bouncer put his hand heavily on Darqstar's shoulder. "Hey, watch out for the dress!" she demanded. "Handprints on gauzy, flowing -type material are a pain to get out!"

"You are definitely a writer," the Bouncer said, ignoring her concerns for her clothing. "You're not allowed."

"Oh, yes I am," she disagreed.

"Why is that?" the Bouncer asked, still not taking his hand off her shoulder.

"One, Because I've been a character before."

"But you were always a character appearing as a writer," the Bouncer countered. "It doesn't count."

"Two," Darqstar continued ignoring his objections. "I am the writer of this tale, therefore, I have to go in."

"I've heard that excuse before and it doesn't pull any weight with me."

"Three, I have a very short fuse and a big gun under this flimsy dress getup and I am not at all reluctant to use it."

"I've been threatened before, sweetheart. I can't die for real unless everyone agrees on it." The bouncer crossed his arms over his chest, not at all worried. "Subreality Cafe has more writers working on it than any other series, which includes your XS." He tried not to look too smug as he said the last part. For a short time, Darqstar had held the coveted title of "Series you created that other people liked and borrowed," until the Wonderful Kelly The Scribe created Subreality Cafe. He liked the idea of having a little of the wind in Darqstar's sails removed.

"Four, I'm on a mission." Darqstar stared at him.

"If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one-" the Bouncer began.

"You'd be rich and retired, yeah, I know," Darqstar said, rolling her eyes in frustrating. "But my mission is a valid one. You see, DEC here," she paused to point to the patiently waiting High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse in a flourishing motion, which would have looked very dramatic, if she had not accidentally knocked an ashtray that was sitting on a table while she said it, scattering cigarette butts and gum wrappers all over the floor. "Oops!"

"Look, what's your mission. I haven't got all night." The Bouncer tapped his foot impatiently.

"DEC here, is feeling discouraged," Darqstar said, looking much less regal, now that she was kneeling on the floor picking up cigarette butts, gum wrappers, and bits of broken glass. "And tonight he had... doubt."

The Bouncer's eyes widened. "Doubt?" he repeated in a hushed whisper. "Are you sure?"

Darqstar stood up, still holding the remains of her accident in her hands. "Yes. I've.. I've been doing a lot of reorganizing of Shifting Sands, playing havoc on his Stats page. The heavy load has been a bit draining on his system... and... and..." She paused again, this time to hang her head in shame. "I haven't thanked him lately, for his willingness to put up with me and my crap."

A look of horror came over the Bouncer's face. "You ungrateful witch! You're not worthy! All the work he's done for you, all the help he's been, and you haven't been thanking him? You've just been taking advantage of him?"

"Uhm, it really isn't all that bad..." DEC began, but Darqstar looked at him and quickly shook her head, then turned her attention back to the Bouncer.

"I know, I have been wrong and I am sorry for that." She looked at him. "But I want to make it right, so I brought him here. Please, he has no idea what this place is. What it means and who the patrons are. Please let me show him around and let him see what Shifting Sands means to some of these people."

The Bouncer thought carefully. "You promise to behave yourself? Just show him around, not get too involved with the people in here?"

She nodded.

"All right."

Finally, the Bouncer stepped aside and the two of them walked in. DEC looked around at the patrons, shaking his head. While some looked normal, quite a few looked like something straight out of the bar scene in Star Wars. "I must be dreaming," he muttered.

"No, you're not. You're just in Subreality land," Darqstar explained.

"And what is Subreality land?" DEC started to say, only to be interrupted by a small, green, lizard-like creature who dropped from the ceiling fan above, onto his shoulder.

"Hi!" the creature screamed into his ear.

"Augh!" Startled, DEC tried to throw the creature off his shoulder. It hung on tightly. "What the heck is this?"

"Who are you?" the creature squawked back.

"Oh, that's a N'Garl Eater," Darqstar said calmly. "He won't hurt you, he's just curious."

"He also crapped down my back!" DEC shouted, not believing her.

"Sorry!" the creature roared, right into his ear, vibrating his left eardrum. "Didn't mean to! Hadt'go!"

DEC winced, closing his eyes. Darqstar gently removed the creature from his shoulder. "That wasn't very nice," she said, trying not to giggle.

"I said it was an accident!" the N'Garl eater roared, looking upset. He left the two of them, looking indignant.

The High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse, turned, trying to see the back of his robe. "This is gross!"

"Yeah, it is," A young girl came up, holding a towel. "Let me help." She started wiping the back of his robe.

"Thanks." DEC said, gratefully. "Uh... I don't know your name..."

"I'm Vicky," the girl said, finishing up. "You know, I'm one of Bobby and Emma's children."

Actually, DEC had no clue who she was, but she seemed like a nice enough kid. "I really appreciate this," he said, as she finished cleaning the N'Garl Eater crap off his back.

"No problem. I understand how it is. The same thing happened to me. I think the same thing happened to everyone who comes in here." She held the towel up delicately between two fingers and dropped it into a waste can. "Consider it a christening of sorts."

"Baptismal by poop," DEC made a face. "I think I'll pass."

Grinning, the girl left. "Who was she?" DEC asked, turning to Darqstar. "She seems real nice."

"She explained who she was. She's Vicky, one of Bobby and Emma's kids. But Bobby is gone in her world, the poor kid. She really misses her father."

"Bobby is gone in her world?" DEC was confused.

"DEC, you have to understand, this is the Subreality Cafe. This is the place where characters go when they are not being written about."

"Can I ask you a question?" DEC stared at her.

"What?"

"What have you been smoking?"

"Cute, real cute." Darqstar frowned. "Really, DEC, I'm not kidding. This is the place where the characters go when they're not being written about. This is where they exist." She looked around the bar. "See that woman?" she pointed to a young, pale, pregnant woman who was sipping something thick and red from a glass. "That's Rhiannon," Darqstar explained. "She's JF Jackson's character. Since JF has been busy lately, she's spending her time here."

"Oh," DEC said, wondering what she was drinking. A handsome man with red-brown hair and black-on-red eyes, pale as she was, approached her and sat down. "Hey, that's Gambit, isn't it?"

"Well, it's a Gambit, but it's not the Gambit," Darqstar said hesitantly. "That one is a half vampire."

DEC looked at the couple, they seemed to be discussing something, and occasionally he could hear part of the conversation.

"Never meant to leave you," "Yes you did." "No, the writer made me," "Yeah, Sure." "I didn't know you were pregnant." "If you dare ask me who the father is, I will remove your reason for having a fly on your jeans."

DEC turned back to Darqstar. "Half vampire?"

"It's a long story. Those are Jess' characters. Since Jess hasn't had a chance to write lately, they're here."

At another table, a lively group of blue, furry children were engaged in wreaking havoc and throwing food around. "Those must be yours," DEC murmured.

Darqstar shook her head. "No, they aren't. They're from the Three-Part Harmony series. Did you really think I was the only person to come up with blue, furry kids?"

"Well, I didn't know, but I was hoping," The High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse admitted.

Darqstar blew him a raspberry and mumbled something about no one appreciating true creativity.

At another table, a blue furry young woman sat with two gentleman. The blue girl was talking to one of them in an animated fashion, calling them Uncle Wolf and Uncle John. "That's Siku," Darqstar said, pointing.

"Why doesn't she say hello to you?" DEC asked.

Uhm..she's still kinda irked at Jess and I for the whole Sean incident," Darqstar confessed with an embarassed grin. "Also, she really wants to be in a story where she finally gets to meet the men she's talking to. I mean, Jim and I have joked about it in e-mail, but neither of us have ever.. uh, gotten around to writing anything about it. I don't know why... it could be an interesting story." She studied the three people carefully. "They seem very fond of each other."

"The one guy looks a little menacing."

"Wolf?" Darqstar shook her head. "Nah, he's great. Yeah, he's tough when he needs to be, but he's got a heart of gold."

"I'll take your word for it."

Darqstar looked about to say something, when an extremely cute young man walked by, wearing a pair of bunny slippers. He stopped when he saw the two of them and waved. "Hey Darqstar!"

"Hey Abyss!" She waved back. "Glad to see you're not dead anymore."

"Me too, it was really dull." He shrugged and with a handsome, boyishly charming grin, walked away and sat down with a group of Pirates who were playing cards.

"Abyss?" DEC murmured when Abyss had moved out of earshot. "Hey, isn't he a writer too? How did he get in?"

"He's a long story," Darqstar whispered. "He's a writer, who also managed to transpose himself into a real character too. Not that he wasn't a real character to begin with," she added thoughtfully.

"Nice slippers."

"Don't get too close," Darqstar advised.

"Too close to slippers?" DEC began, then stopped. One of the slippers looked at him, winked, and licked his lips hungrily. "Er...."

"Anything is possible," Darqstar warned him. "Even the simplest of objects can be deadly. And vice versa."

Just then, a cat rose from one of the tables and began slowly stalking the slippers, which scurried off Abyss' feet and began running around the room, avoiding the cat. The three of them were having a merry chase, until the cat became distracted by a huge, blue and orange Carebear. Upon seeing the Carebear, both the slippers and the cat changed tactics and decided to work on the same team, going after the Carebear. Fortunately, it was a quick battle and soon the area was filled with little tufts of blue and orange fur.

"Wow," DEC murmured. "That was ruthless."

"Yeah, well, they're the best at what they do," Darqstar said with a shrug. "So, are you getting it yet?"

"Getting what?" DEC asked. "Don't tell me you're expecting me to get drinks, are you?"

"No," Darqstar shook her head. "Are you getting it. You know, the reason why you're here."

"Yeah, I think I figured it out, you want to torture me."

Darqstar sighed. "No, that isn't it, although it is a thought. No, I brought you here to see these people for yourself."

"I've seen them. Can we go now?"

She shook her head, rolling her eyes. "You're seeing them, but you have to see them. Look harder."

Humoring her, DEC looked around the room, squinting. All he saw were groups of people, some in spandex, some quite strange looking, and others boringly normal. If there was an amazing discovery to be made from looking at them, he could not pick up on it.

"Uhm..." He turned to Darqstar. "Could you give me a little hint?"

She sighed. "Okay. All these people look real, right?"

"Uh, I guess," he said.

She nodded. "Do you know why they're real?"

"Uhm... cause you say so?"

"No. They're real because the writers created them. They were born of the minds of some extremely talented, perhaps a bit deranged, people. People who breathed life into them, made them as real as you and I are." Her voice was low and almost breathless. "These people are real. Writers made them real. Everyone here has one purpose, to entertain people. It works in a beautiful, glorious circle. The writers create them and write about them, people read the stories getting to know the people, then they start believing... they give the writer feedback, which in turn helps the writer to create more tales... and so on and so on in one wondrous chain!"

"I thought it was a circle."

"Chain, circle, what's the difference?" Tears were starting to gather in the corners of Darqstar's eyes. "It's... so beautiful."

"It's something all right," DEC admitted. "But what does this have to do with me? With The Wonder That Is Doghouse?"

"Don't you get it?" The tears were beginning to fight their way out of Darqstar's eyes, spilling down her cheeks. "The stories need homes. They can be written, but unless there is a place for them, a place where all might read them at any time, they can't survive. That's where Shifting Sands comes in." She paused to wipe her sleeve over her cheeks, wiping away the tears. "I, I mean we, cause you provide the space, give a home for fanfiction! We give a place to these stories; so many can read them. At any time!"

"I thought there were a lot of archives," DEC reminded her.

"There are," Darqstar admitted. "And all of them are of equal importance. Including Shifting Sands. Every time an archive closes, there is a risk that one of these people won't be able to find a home. If that happens..." She paused again, this time to shudder. "One of these characters might die."

"Wow," The High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse, said.

"Wow, indeed." Darqstar whispered, looking almost reverent. "Now, look over there. " She pointed to a dark area in the far side of the room, where shadowy figures sat, not moving, just looking out over the better lit part of the cafe. "Do you know who those are?"

"No," He admitted.

"Those are the ones who wait to be. Characters in writers minds that are almost real, but not quite yet. Perhaps the author hasn't written them yet, or perhaps the writer hasn't posted a story yet. They're waiting for their chance. Some of them are mine. If Shifting Sands goes down, if you decided to destroy The Wonder That Is Doghouse, some of those people may never get the chance." Darqstar bit her lip to keep from sobbing. "They don't want much, you high Holiness, they just want a chance. Will you take that away from them? Will you risk hurting, possibly destroying these people, just because sometimes the load gets heavy, or I mess up your Stats page?"

The room had grown strangely silent while Darqstar was speaking and the patrons of the Subreality Cafe were starting to listen and look at the both of them. Slowly they moved together and closer to the two of them.

Darqstar reached out and took his arm, clutching it, looking into his eyes. "Please, I'm sorry for all I have done wrong, for my absolute ingratitude at times. I can't change the past, but I can promise I will try to change the future. I will try to be more reasonable; I will try not to take you for granted. But please, don't ever doubt the importance of Shifting Sands... the importance of The Wonder That Is Doghouse! For some of then, you-you could be their only hope."

The patrons were watching the both of them closely now. Rhiannon was in the middle of the group. Putting her arm around the half-vampire version of Gambit she began to sing in a clear, sweet, voice:

One by one, the other patrons joined in, whether they had any musical talent or not, until everyone but Darqstar and The High Priest of The Wonder That Is Doghouse were the only ones not singing:

"Do you see it now?" Darqstar asked, sobbing openly. "Do you understand?"

Hesitantly, DEC nodded, for he did see now. Finally he understood, he knew exactly why Darqstar had brought him this. Not only did he know that, but he knew what the solution was. What he had to do. Clearing his throat, he looked at Darqstar. "From now on," he began.

She turned and looked at him expectantly. "Yes?" she said, encouraging him.

He swallowed. "When we go to my Starbucks, you're only getting Decaf."

The End.

Author's notes, credits, disclaimers, etc.

If you liked this story, or even if you thought it was the stupidest thing you ever read, drop me a line. I'm not normally given to writing this type of thing and I'm curious if I even have an inkling of talent or if I should just give it up and spare the hard drive space.