Subreality Cafe's Newcomers' Survival Guide

Within a matter of minutes the cat found the bunny slippers. The slippers had quietly been stalking Lockhead with the intent of making him their next meal. They had been so involved in their hunt that they didn't know the cat was approaching. Suddenly the cat let out a high pitched yowl that startled the slippers into panicking and they started to run in an attempt to escape.

Between the slippers stampeding at high speeds around the feet of various individuals and the cat chasing them, quite a commotion began to errupt. People tried to move out of the way in order to keep from being knocked over. Some people lost their balance and lost hold of their beer mugs leaving them to crash to the floor. The cat tried to dodge the broken glass and almost got hit by a falling mug once, but he kept going. If the slippers veered to the right, the cat cut them off and kept them on their intended path. If they started to slow down the cat would nip at their small tails and they would immediately speed up with a squeal.

Realizing that the cat was heading in their direction with the slippers, Danae laid the cooler on it's side on the floor and Dana stood ready with the cover. In a final attempt to escape the cat the slippers dove right into the cooler. Immediately Dana pressed the lid on while Danae turned the cooler right-side-up and latched it shut. The cooler began to buck across the floor with the slippers trying to get out but the girls simply sat on it until it stopped. For a moment the cafe was quiet until the patrons started thunderous applaus.

"Good." Emma Frost sniffed from her secluded corner of the room, "Someone finally got rid of those nasty little beasts."

Pete Wisdom high fived Danae saying, "Nice job."

"The cat did most of the work." Dana nodded to the feline that sat demurely on the floor by her feet.

A number of patrons pitched in and ordered the cat a can of tuna and a saucer of milk as a reward `for valor above and beyond the call of duty'. Soon everyone was back to their drinking and card playing. Dana spotted a pool table in a small corner of the cafe and challenged Danae to a game. Danae agreed and dragged her cooler to the pool table with her. She didn't want to risk letting it out of her sight for fear that the slippers would escape and exact some sort of revenge on her. She was already toying with the idea of bronzing them and displaying them in a trophy case somewhere.

The girls chatted as they played. Dana was winning against Danae for a while until she scratched the eight ball. They both ordered glasses of ice water before beginning their next game. Dana suddenly said, "Too bad we can't do to Kastanek and the bouncer the same thing that we did to the slippers."

"Yeah." nodded Danae, "It would certainly take them down a couple of pegs but I doubt that there are coolers big enough."

"It would certainly be nice if they got what they deserved."

Danae smiled evily and raised her ice water into the air in a mock toast, "To the two of them getting what they deserve."

"To the two of them getting what they deserve." Dana agreed vehemently as she clinked her glass with Danae's.

The Oracle had been keeping her eye on the pair and had been eavesdropping on the conversation to some extent. With that last statement a mysterious smile played across her lips before she...POOF...vanished.

Not long afterwards a disturbance picked up at the bar. Another Pete Wisdom was arguing quite loudly with someone, but no one knew what it was about. When the other person started to shout over him Dana and Danae realized that it was Kastanek. The girls paused to watch.

Kastanek was arrogant and hard enough to deal with when he was sober. Now he was half-drunk and dealing with him was impossible. The shouting continued to escalate until Kastanek yelled above Pete, "A man who has shot Wolverine doesn't...

Kastanek was cut short in his tirade when two hands burly hands grabbed him by the collar from behind and turned him around. Kastanek was looking right into the eyes of a scowling Wolverine.

"You were saying, bub?!"

Kastanek made no response other than to reach for his pistol holster. Unfortunately it was empty. He should not have been surprised to see it dangling from the extended claw of another Wolverine who was standing five feet to his left.

Yet another Wolverine could be heard growling over his beer from a nearby table, "I am getting pretty @#$^ sick of your mouth flat foot."

There was also a Wolverine that had been playing pool at a table next to Dana and Danae. He wandered over to the amassing mob of angry Wolverines. Before it got any uglier he shouted, "Let's take it outside. We don't want to smash up the place over this slime."

There were some groans of disappointment from the onlookers, one of them being Pete Wisdom. The manager heaved a heavy sigh of relief as the mob started to carry Kastanek out of the bar. At that moment Kastanek realized that his odds of surviving and remaining a barritone against this mob was not very good. He screamed, "HELP!"

Dana could not resist shouting in response, "A man who has shot Wolverine doesn't need help."

With that the mob disappeared from the bar through the doors. Everything returned to normal. (Or as normal as you can get in Subreality.) The girls resumed their pool and figured that all the excitement for the night was over with. Then it happened...

The bouncer ran screaming through the doors in terror. He didn't stop until he had run across the room to the bar, vaulted over the counter and ducked out of view behind it. Everyone began to laugh until they saw the source of the bouncer's terror skip right through the door. It looked like a blue and orange carebear except it was Barney-sized and carried the same nauseatingly happy personality.

"ALRIGHT, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN." chirped the booming, suger-coated voice.

"OH $*%&! Danae swore when she saw him, "It's P'er-kee!"

With that she threw here pool cue down, grabbed Dana by the arm and they dove under the table for cover. Pandemonium ensued as everyone ran for cover to escape the P'er-kee's clutches. Unfortunately Colosus didn't make it because he had been in a drunken stupor. P'er-kee gathered him into a large bear hug and he crumpled to the floor with a studpid grin on his face.

"Poor bastard didn't stand a chance." Pete Wisdom breathed from behind the jukbox.

The girls cowered helplessly under the table as they watched the chaos. Within seconds an eery silence settled over the cafe. The could hear P'er-kee's fuzzy feet skipping across the floor as he searched for victims.

"What is P'er-kee?" whispered Dana.

"He's an entity that takes depressed or unhappy individuals and makes them horribly perky. When they are perky he feeds off of it and his power grows. The more depressed a person is to begin with the more powerful it makes him."

"What's he doing here?"

"Think about it!" Danae whispered back, "This is a bar full of bored and half-drunk fictives who are probably not in the best of moods. If he gets a hold of everyone here..." Danae shuddered at the thought.

Dana peeked out at him a moment, "Do you know if there is any way to defeat him?"

"I managed it once but I had to knock out all of the people he was influencing and I can't very well do it with a group this size."

Dana could tell P'er-kee was headed in their direction when she heard the terrified yelp of Sabertooth when P'er-kee found him crouching behind a keg. She looked around frantically for something that would serve as a weapon. Her eyes fell upon the cooler on the floor next to the pool table. THE SLIPPERS!

"I remember hearing someone mention in passing that those slippers would eat anything. Maybe if we let them out..."

"Are you nuts? There is no way we could control those #%@# things. If we let them out they could go after almost anyone."

"Okay, I suppose you would rather take your chances against that!" Dana hissed while pointing to P'er-kee who was now only a couple of yards away.

At that moment a sickeningly sweet voice boomed, "COME OUT, COME OUT WHERE EVER YOU ARE!

With that Danae lunged at the cooler, unlatched the lid and unceremoniously dumped the slippers onto the floor. The bunnies looked started for a moment after the tumble and scanned the room. Suddenly both of them feasted their beady eyes on P'er-kee. Dana was sure she saw two sets of fangs glint in the dim light as the slippers licked their chops.

When all the dust settled there was nothing left of P'er-kee except some stray puffs of fur floating in the air.

"Deja-vu." shrugged Gambit, "Dis makes de score: SLIPPERS 5, P'ER-KEE 0."

The manager groaned, "I hate those blue and orange bits of fur when those slippers have disposed of P'er-kee. It means I have to vaccuum again and that fur always clogs up the hose."

"Mebbee I should give dem a recipe fo' Cajun-style P'er-kee Gumbo."

"In any case," the manager sighed, "I had better get them their fries to go with the meal."

The slippers were stretched out on a chair by the fireplace looking very full and content. Other than a tiny belch every so often they did not make a sound or even move. The grateful bouncer left a small gift for them at the foot of the chair...a box of expensive cigars.

"I think they'll be too stuffed to try and eat anything for a while." Danae nodded grimly, "I still hate those little dust balls, but I suppose they are the lesser of two evils."

Dana yawned, "I don't know about you but I'm going home and calling it a night."

"I'm with you." Danae agreed as they headed toward the door.

"Still," Dana added with a smile, "We'll have to do this again sometime."

"Sure!" Danae agreed as they walked down the steps, onto the street and disappeared into the mist.