Far from Excalibur's home, Amanda lay stretched out on her stomach on the grassy riverbank. She had awoken somewhat moody that morning, and it hadn't gotten any better as the day wore on. By late afternoon, it had deepened from a depression to self-attack. She had been internally criticizing and mocking every word that came out of her mouth. Even now, as she gazed listlessly at her reflection, her internal voice asked how dare she mope about out here when she had children to look after.
'And what about Fuzzy? You leave him to look after Kit more often than not. How pathetic. Even Margali did a better job of mothering than that. I mean, look at Lucas...'
"Dumb bitch. Talking to yourself is NOT good sign." sighed Amanda, shifting her chin from her left hand to her right. It simply didn't pay to argue with yourself, especially when you were sure that you deserved every word of it. Amanda turned back to her mirror image on the water's surface. In the last light of the day, she could see her blond hair, neglected for the past few days in the pursuit of more satisfying past-times, was as wild and tangled as any forest undergrowth. A scabbing pattern of five parallel scratches ran across one cheek, reminders of a wild run in wolfoid form earlier in the week.
'Right through a thorn bush, idiot!' Luckily, it had been a small one. She could have blinded herself otherwise. 'Oh, well. Better luck next time.' She could have healed the scratches easily, but had decided not to. It wasn't as if they were life-threatening or even infected. They would be gone soon enough. The rest of her features were the same as ever. High cheekbones, lips that couldn't really be called full, but were not really thin either, a nose that was just a shade longer than she would have liked it, and those doe-like green eyes. Gorgeous eyes, really. Amanda thought they looked out of place.
'Better they would have been beady. Or maybe like a snake's. Something that makes you look as untrustworthy as you are.' she thought, flicking her fingers at her image. She felt a slight sense of satisfaction as her reflection fractured into nothingness before reforming itself. On the fast, if slightly choppy, flow of water in this river Amanda's reflection was somewhat distorted. This pleased her as well.
She rolled over to her side and sat up. She knew exactly why she felt this way, too. Guilt. With her, this had become like a type of word play when she tried to associate characteristics with people.
Longshot was lucky (natch), Kit was lovable, and Amanda was a guilty mess.
"So tell him already!" she ordered herself aloud. By 'him' she meant Fuzzy of course. 'You love him, right?' she continued silently. 'Of course, you do. So tell him! Tell him about what happened with your training. Tell him about Bapta'an and Lancelot. Tell him about Mother. Tell him that you're going slowly insane because you're sharing your skull with some kind of mystical taint!' Amanda pounded the turf with one fist.
"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" she said each time her fist hit the ground. It was true. She loved Kurt. Everything that they had been through together made him even more dear to her heart. She trusted him... didn't she? You couldn't love someone if you didn't trust them, right? Well... DIDN'T SHE?
'Yes...I-I'm just trying to protect him. I don't want to burden him with my problems.' she thought.
'LIAR! If you're gonna give excuses, at least find new ones.' she answered herself. 'You're covering your own ass. 'Cuz you know the minute he knows what kind of stupid half-wit he's taken for lover, he'll rethink the whole relationship. And you'd just hate being alone again. Talk about selfishness.'
'He's not like that!' Amanda returned, though she squirmed, both physically and mentally. 'He'd understand.'
'Well, if you're so sure of that, then the next possible explanation for keeping quiet is that you're chicken shit. A complete coward. You hate the idea of having your lover angry or disappointed with you, so you'll just bottle it up instead of just admitting it and taking your licks.
'Or maybe it's ego. Is that it? You can't admit to anyone that the great Amanda Sefton, head bitch of Excalibur, can't make mistakes like the rest mortal man? Or maybe you're just a sick glutton for punishment? That would explain a few things that go on at night. Or perhaps all of the above. There's dozens of reasons and I can keep this up all night! What fun!'
If her negative side had been possessed of a physical form, Amanda would have gouged it's eyes out by now. As it was, she could just sit there and hurl rocks at her reflection in helpless fury and disgust at herself.
After a while, she calmed. She was just doubting herself... but there was at least a sliver of truth behind a lot of her thoughts. A soft growl welled up in her throat and she started to change to wolf-form. Half-way through. She changed her mind before she could do more than get mildly furry. That would be like running away, and Amanda wanted desperately to find some way to resolve her inner conflict. There was only one way, though...
"I'll do it!" she said aloud to the moonlit landscape. The words brought relief and a slight wash of fear. But wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to look Kurt in the eye and not feel that slight twist of guilt in her stomach? "I'll take him aside sometime tonight, and try to explain it all to him." Beaming, Amanda got ready to shift to wolf form and begin the run back home. A powerful downdraft swept down on her, causing Amanda to leap to the side and ready a mystic blast as a dragon dropped out of the night sky and landed next to her. Amanda's smile widened as she recognized the friendly mind-touch of this particular dragon.
Hello, Teesa! she greeted her familiar.
Good evening, Amanda. returned the dragon. You do know that there are things more dangerous than yourself out at night, don't you?
It's not that late. Amanda protested as she clambered onto the dragon's back, being careful to position herself between the protective double row of spikes that ran down Teesa's spine. Besides, I don't need a nursemaid. Teesa snorted her disagreement.
"Oh, hush." said Amanda with a laugh. "Can you get us home quickly? I need to tell Fuzzy something."
"And what would that be?" asked a voice just in front of her. Amanda turned so quickly that she almost lost her seat on Teesa's back. The dragon chuckled at Amanda's surprise.
You were right, Kurt. said the dragon. She IS highly strung.
Fuzzy was seated between Teesa's shoulder blades. In the near darkness, Amanda hadn't seen him, despite the fact that moving forward another two feet would have pushed her against his back.
At that moment, it was Amanda's good fortune that Fuzzy couldn't see her face very well. The look that passed across it was like that of an animal as a trap slams shut on it's leg: unmasked fear and shock. For a second, her tongue started to form the words that would make her life so much more happy... so much more peaceful. The words twisted themselves into a lie.
"I was just thinking that we should spend more time with Lucas." she said. "I mean, we are the only family that he has, and I want all of us to get along." She wrapped her arms around Fuzzy's waist as Teesa pumped her wings in preparation for flight. She felt Kurt shrug.
"I'm not crazy about the idea, but I don't see any harm to it." he replied, snaking his tail around her upper torso.
"Great." said Amanda, forcing a smile into her voice. As Teesa took a running start through the river, Amanda caught a glimpse of her moon-silvered reflection on the sheeting water.
The word 'Coward!' rang out in her mind and she looked away.