For people that are owned by their cats.

Bishop is a mutant which means he doesn't die. Sam won't die, but all mutants can't die. Some mutants fly, some are really strong, some mutants can move stuff without touching it. If I were a mutant I'd .... sorry, there is nothing better than being a cat.

I've decided that, if Bishop is going to be paranoid, I should give him a good reason. So at times, I'm a good cat, sweet, kind and purring. And others, I'm a little devil.

I help Bishop by giving him agility training. That is, I'll try to trip him and he has to stay standing. Another way I'll help him is when the Cat Eater- also know as the vacuum cleaner- is going, I'll teach him to tolerate pain by climbing up him. I'm a such a nice kitty.

Since I have sat down at the keyboard and decided to reveal my vast intelligence by typing for you (and you are very special for me to do that,) I thought I'd tell you about my day.

I start my day by joining Bishop on night rounds. I haven't let anything by, unlike my owner. He doesn't know how many mice and birds I've had to catch and eat to save his sorry butt! Of course, he doesn't do a great job of stopping humans- the Avengers, Spiderman and Hercules ring any bells?

I couldn't believe it when Speedy took off with Hercules like that! Tore his kitten up inside. Cats do have compassion. Why do you think we don't pounce on humans' feet in the middle of the night, unless we really want to? If her old friends hadn't come after Quicksilver left, she'd still be crying. I have a special torture saved for Pietro when I see him next-- call it a eight claw salute where the sun don't shine.

After night patrol, I sleep. Tried sleeping on Xavier, but that man was so caught up in bad stuff that he couldn't appreciate a cat purring on his chest. Bishop objects to me waking him up with a claw up the nose. So I sleep with the man that smells like an animal- Wolverine. He likes me, doesn't mind that I sleep against his armpit, and even gives me some milk now and then.

Logan misses his kittens, Jubilee and Shadowcat -now there's a good name- but he doesn't want them to know. Says they need to grow up without him while he gets his head on straight. I don't know what he's talking about, lately he's got a neck and a nose and they are straight.

Sam is nearly Logan's new kitten. It's good because Sam misses the tom that created him. I like Sam, he feeds me in the morning and doesn't move when I want to love on him. I don't like his girlfriend, the one with the ever-changing name. She and this guy from her pride went into the room and threw me out. I got her back by popping open the door just as Sam was walking by. She was biting the other guy's lips! Sam and the bad hair cut don't go together anymore.

I eat in the same room as the X-men and, when they have something good, I'll stare at the food or rub against their legs to show I want a bite. Cats don't beg. And I'm nice, I'll share my food with them, I'll take a live mouse or bird and drop it in the kitchen while they are cooking but they still won't share with me. So, I used to drink out of their coffee cups, but Moira's coffee stopped me.

Sam's friend, Bobby, plays with me after breakfast. He's good at playing, but he don't smell as much like a kitten as he used to. I don't like it when he plays with ice so I get him back by jumping on his full bladder in the middle of the night. Altogether, he's a good cushion.

After I eat, I play. Sometimes I hide a dead mouse in the house or climb the toilet. Other times I'll decorate. You see, the more acid in the hair ball I cough up the more I etch the marble floor. It's fun to sharpen my claws on the car's tires or to crawl into a dishwasher full of clean dishes. When I'm feeling nice, I'll shred the newspaper to save my possessions from a world that hates them.

My favorite game is the telephone. I'll knock the receiver off the phone and hit speed dial buttons. They love being woke up over in Muir Island- I know it. Sometimes, since Lockheed can speak cat, we make plans to help Shadowcat get rid of the evil cigarette smoking thing.

This past Christmas, when Pete had to give gifts, Lockheed took my advice and removed the tags. That's how Moria and Rahne ended up with the night gowns, and Kitty the power tools. Ain't I a sweet cat?

On the dreaded day known as Monday, Bishop gives me a bath. I give Mr. Tall, Blue, and Furry blood samples. The day that I was supposed to be neutered I opened the kitchen cabinet door, tore a hole in the cat food bag, and ate. Bishop locked me in a wire cage the next day so I was neutered last Monday. Mondays are just no fun.

I try to calm Mr. Tall, Blue and Furry down by playing in his lab. He doesn't have the common sense to like me scattering his papers, hiding his pens, or batting at objects. I even sit on the keys DEL, CTRL, and ALT at the same time, and chase the mouse, and send faxes, but he doesn't like it. I try daily to improve his taste.

The other blue guy, Mr. Bird, is great. He's got wings and he smells like a bird. I figure, if I ever kill this big bird, I'll never have to hunt again. So after my mid-morning nap, I try to hunt him. I never catch him, but yesterday, when I nipped him as he was getting out of the shower, I got a mouth full of feathers. I'm getting closer!

His mate is fun. Betsy moves in and out of the shadows just like a cat. I help her watch the danger room exercises before I take my early afternoon nap. She taught me how to use the ninja kitty paw strike to get fish off Bobby's plate. But my favorite thing is waiting until she finishes watching the X-files and then stand in her dark room, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing. It scares her!

After my early afternoon nap and before my afternoon nap, I clean myself and eat. Sometimes I'll see Cat Eyes. He talks strange, but I like him. He is a human-cat, sneaky, arrogant, and acts for reasons know only to him. I remember the time that he was making gumbo and I ate all the shrimp he laid on the counter.

The night that Xavier went crazy, Cat Eyes saved the X-men after I bit him and caused him to escape Onslaught's mind control. What can I say? It was ten minutes after my feeding time and I was starving. And they still didn't feed me. Had to go and catch my own supper.

Sometimes Cat Eyes is with Storm, the wonderful woman that plants cat nip for me. She's my supplier. Yesterday, she planted cat mint too. Yeah! I thank her by digging holes in her garden, catching things in it and playing attacking her in the garden. Sometimes, I'll even fertilize spots for her.

Other times Cat Eyes is with the Stripe. She's sad a lot, so I purr for her and try to make her happy. For her, but not the others, I don't even trip her at 3:30 in the morning when she gets up to go to the bathroom. She loves me, even when I shed on her new leather shoes.

Sometimes, Stripe is with Joe. Joe is sad, I think, because he can't remember where he left his stuffed mouse. I always know where mine is. To be nice to such a sad man, I don't sit in his shorts when he's using the bathroom. But I still love watching the toilet water swirl. And no, they haven't made a door that could stop me. Ask Bishop.

After my afternoon nap, I doze. After I doze, Jean moves my toys around for me- without even touching it. I like climbing up and purring in her ear as a thank you. I like her, she's fun.

Her husband Scott? Two words- dog person. A big no brains golden retriever. He hates me, so either I'm very nice to him or I jump into the chair just as he is sitting down and screech when he sits on me. Once in a while, I'll jump into his lap and then turn my back to him, with my tail extended up and waving, in order to give him a good view of my freshly cleaned private parts, as to say "up your's". But my favorite trick is to run through their house with a condom wrapper in my mouth, especially when Jean's parents come for a visit.

After playing with Jean, I clean myself again, doze, and then I eat. I have to be ready to go on patrol with Bishop, so I clean myself and sleep. It's a wonderful life, the life of an X-Cat.