It's All Coming Back To Me Now
Written By: Jim Steinman

"No, don't go!"

Sweat mingling with blue fur, Sikudhani McCoy Sat straight up in bed and swallowed. It's just a dream, she told herself. Just a dream. It doesn't matter how real it seemed, it's still just a dream. Even if you have it a hundred thousand times and each time it seems worse, it's still just a dream. Hands trembling, she reached for the light by her bed. As she twisted the knob, the room filled with a soft yellow light.

"Dhani?" In the bed near to hers, her roommate Eva stirred and sat up. "Dhani, are you okay?"

"I-I'm fine," Siku lied. "Just a bad dream."

Eva sat up. "It must have been a pretty bad one, by the way you screamed. What was it about?"

Siku hesitated, still trembling. "Someone... someone that I knew once," she whispered, wiping her forehead. How could she even begin to tell Eva about Sean? How could she explain that she dreamed over and over again about him getting on the plane to California, but in the dream she always knew what was going to happen to him? She always begged him not to go, but he always went. How did she tell Eva this, when she had not even told her about Sean?

"The guy in the picture in your desk drawer?" Eva asked, wrapping her arms around her legs.

Siku's eyes widened. It was the only picture of Sean and herself she had. It was taken at her A-Day party. "When did you go looking in my desk drawer?" she asked.

"I wasn't snooping," Eva said. "It was earlier this evening, when you were at the library and Bryan called. I wanted to take a message and I needed a pen. I opened the drawer and the picture was lying on top of some stuff."

"Oh," was all Siku said. She rose from the bed, knowing she would not be able to get back to sleep right away. "I'm going to make some hot chocolate, do you want some?"

"Might as well," Eva said. "It's almost morning anyway."

Siku looked out the window and saw the first traces of sunlight streaming through the horizon. "Yeah, you're right." She turned her attention back to the hot pot.

"So, was the dream about the guy in the picture?" Eva asked, trying to get the discussion back on topic.

"Not that it's any of your business, but yeah, it was," Siku said. She did not mean to sound so grumpy about it, but she also was not sure she wanted to unmask her soul for her roommate to examine.

"Hmm... and is this somehow connected to the fact that you decided not to go home this weekend? And with Bryan calling this evening?"

Siku turned her attention away from the hot chocolate and stared at her roommate. "I thought psychology was my intended major, not yours."

"Ah hah, so I'm hitting on something," Eva said. She pushed her long, blond hair behind her ears and looked at Siku steadily. "You haven't been staying on campus for weekends much since Christmas. And I didn't buy that excuse that you didn't feel it was necessary to go home this weekend cause your dad is on his honeymoon."

"Well, I do go home to see my dad," Siku said, opening the lid of the hot pot to see how the water was doing. Dad's right, a watched pot never boils. She replaced the lid and set about putting the chocolate powder into mugs.

"Yeah, but in February, your father was off on some lecture tour for a couple weeks and you still went home for the weekend. I know you have a bunch of other family. But even that's not the real reason. The real reason you go home every weekend is because you know Bryan will be there."

"So what if I do?" Siku said, getting defensive. "I like him. He's a nice guy and we have a good time together. Is that a crime?"

"No, it's not a crime," Eva said. She moved to the side of her bed, resting her legs on the floor. "I think it's a great idea. I like Bryan, I think he's a nice guy too." She had met Bryan when he had spent a weekend at the campus to take Dhani to a dance. "But ever since your father got married, you've been acting weird. And now you're dreaming about the guy in the picture in your desk. Somehow, I think it's all tied up together. Who is the guy?"

Sikudhani bit her lip, tipping her head to one side. "He-he's my step-mother's brother. His name was... Sean."

"Was?"
"He's... dead," Siku said, wishing she could say that without feeling a fresh wave of pain wash through her.

"Oh, Dhani, I'm so sorry," Eva looked at her, eyes awash with sympathy. "You were very close to him, weren't you? That's why you keep the picture hidden, isn't it?"

Siku nodded, refusing to look at Eva. "Yeah... I loved him. And he loved me. We... we talked about getting married when I graduated from school." She looked inside the pot again; noticing the water was beginning to bubble a bit. "Do you want your chocolate boiling hot, or just hot?"

"Dhani, forget about the stupid hot chocolate for a moment." Eva rose from the bed and walked over to her.

"Why?" Siku asked.

"Cause right now I think you need a hug," She put her arms around the blue, furry girl. Siku hesitated only briefly then hugged her back. "I'm so sorry, Dhani. That must really be hard on you."

"It's okay, most of the time," Siku said when they drew apart. "I'm over it. I mean, I'm over it as much as someone can get over that sort of thing, I guess." She turned back to the chocolate and began pouring the water into the cups, anything so she would not have to look at Eva and let her see the tears in her eyes. How could she explain that some things she could never get over? That the closer she seemed to get to Bryan, the worse it got? She knew that wherever Sean was, he approved of this. He would want her to go on with her life. He had told her so on Halloween. But something kept holding her back.

She finished mixing the hot chocolate and unplugged the pot. She handed a cup to Eva and took one herself.

"I don't think it really is okay," Eva said, taking the cup and returning to sit on her bed to drink it.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Siku asked. She sat down on her own bed, hands curled around her mug, enjoying the warmth.

"Dhani, you never even told me about Sean until tonight. And I don't think you ever would have, if I hadn't found the picture in your desk," Eva explained. "That tells me you aren't nearly as over it as you'd like to think you are." She took a sip of the chocolate and studied Siku carefully. "Have you told Bryan about Sean?"

"Of course not!" Siku said, eyes widening to round saucers of blue. "Cripes, Eva, that isn't the sort of thing you just casually mention. 'By the way, Bryan, have I told you about my first love? He's dead.' I mean, that's kinda cold, isn't it? Bryan doesn't need to deal with my problems."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Eva said. "It's much better to make Bryan wonder what the hell is wrong with you and possibly suspect part of the problem may be him."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Gesh, Dhani, this isn't like failing a test or getting in a fight with your best friend," Eva said. "This is serious stuff. You were in love with this guy. You wanted to marry him someday. Now he's gone. Yeah, carrying on and going forward is all fine and good, but you can't erase the past. Don't you think you might be bringing some of this..." she paused, searching for the right words.

"Emotional baggage?" Siku suggested.

"Yeah, emotional baggage." Eva nodded. "Don't you think you're probably bringing a lot of that into your relationship with Bryan? I mean, I heard you when you called him back last night. You were supposed to do something with him this weekend, weren't you?"

Siku nodded guiltily. "Yeah, me, him, Cierra and Cameron were going to go to see a play in the city tonight."

"It sounds like a real fun time," Eva said. "I wish Seth would take me into New York City to see a play. I mean, that's the sort of date girls dream about. So, why did you back out?"

"Because-because," Siku sputtered, then fell silent.

"Because, why?" Eva prompted her.

"Because the last time I went to a play, it was with Sean," Siku blurted. "And I was afraid it would be too... painful."

"And what reason did you tell Bryan that you didn't want to go?" Eva continued.

"I-I said I had to study," Siku whispered. She knew where this conversation was leading, but she was not sure she wanted to listen.

"Yeah. You basically gave up the type of evening most girls would jump at the chance to go on and you used one of the lamest excuses in the book." Eva put her mug on her nightstand and looked at Siku. "I'm not a mind reader or anything, but I'll bet Bryan is thinking that he's done something wrong. And I'd even be willing to bet this isn't the first time since the two of you have started seeing each other he's wondered about it. Gesh, Dhani, you can't come out of a relationship that strong, that ended that badly without carrying a lot of deep scars. There must be a billion times when something happens, or you see something that reminds you of Sean."

"Yeah." Again, Siku whispered. She was afraid to speak any louder, afraid she would scream instead. She looked over at Eva and took a deep breath. "But is it fair to tell him? I mean, I don't want him sitting around and worrying that I'm constantly comparing him to a ghost! The problem with being in love with a ghost is they're always perfect. They never grow old; they never say anything wrong... 'cause all you have are the good memories. How does someone compete with that? How do I explain that I do care for Bryan for Bryan, that I'm not using him as a substitute for Sean, but there are still times that I wish... and I cry, and I dream of what could have been? And that chances are, I always will, but it doesn't mean I don't care for him?"

"Well, you just told me, didn't you?" Eva pointed out.

Siku opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. She bit her lower lip and swallowed. "What... what if he doesn't understand?" she finally said. "What if I lose him because he can't deal with it? I mean, it's an awful lot to swallow, to know that if Sean had lived, I wouldn't be any more than friends with him."

"That's a risk you'll have to take, " Eva said gently. "But Dhani, which is worse? Knowing and dealing with the situation or sitting around and wondering all the time? If you lose him over this, then at least you know. It's got to be better than sitting on the fence and wondering if you could lose him."

"Y-your right," Siku said. It hurt to admit it, but Eva made sense. In her efforts to not drag Bryan into her own emotional problems, she might have hurt him even more.

"Not to mention that if Bryan is really worth caring about, he'll understand," Eva said wisely. "I'm not saying it won't be tough, I'm not saying everything is going to be great from here on out if you tell him, but at least he'll know where you're coming from. Maybe if he knows, he can help you with the problem. Maybe the two of you can work together to get you over this, rather than just trying to escape it."

Siku's lower lip trembled and she bit back the tears. "Whoever said blondes are dumb didn't know you, Eva."

 Eva smiled, crinkling her nose. "Well, I've always been at my best first thing in the morning." Her grin softened into a more serious expression. "What are you going to do now, Dhani?"

Siku rose from the bed. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is take a shower."

"Good idea. Just don't clog the drain with hair. What's the second?"

"I think I'm going to head home for the weekend."

Siku arrived home about four in the evening. After saying hello to her family and giving Cleopatra and Blizzard their greetings, she set out to find Bryan. Cameron told her he was out with his camera.

She found him, sitting down by the stream that ran through the woods. "Bryan?"

He looked up, breaking into a grin when he saw her. "Siku!" He scrambled off the rock he was sitting on and came over to her. "I am really glad to see you! I thought you weren't coming this weekend."

"I thought so too," Siku said, hugging him. "But Eva kinda convinced me I really should."

"Why?" He tipped his head to one side. "I mean, I'm glad she did, I want to call her and thank her, but was there a reason?"

"Actually, now that you mention it, there is," Siku said. "Bryan, can we talk?"

"Sure," He looked at her, frowning. Whatever it was she needed to talk about, it was weighing heavily on her mind. He took her hand and led her back over to the rocks he had been sitting on. When they were both comfortable, he smiled. "What do you want to talk about?"

Siku took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. Eva is right, if he really cares about me, this won't stop him. It might not be easy, but I have a feeling Bryan will hang in there and stick it out. I don't know what the future holds for either of us, we might break up next week, but for now, he's too important to keep living in the shadows. She took his hand and held it gently. "Bryan, I have to tell you about someone."

"Who?" His brows furrowed as he studied her, his fingers curling around hers. He had known something was bothering her and lately he sensed it was getting worse rather than better.

"Oh God, this is harder than I thought it would be," Siku whispered.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me," he said. "We'll work it out, somehow."

She nodded and took a deep breath. "I want to tell you about someone I used to know. His-his name was Sean Mason..."

It was late that night when Siku, Bryan, and Cameron returned home. They had dropped Cierra off earlier at her house.

The moment they were inside the mansion, Cameron mumbled some excuse and hurried off to the Drake residence, leaving Siku and Bryan alone in the living room.

"I-I had a really good time tonight," Siku said, softly.

"So did I," Bryan said. "I-I'm glad you decided to come home this weekend."

"Me too," Siku said. It had not been easy this afternoon, but she knew it was the right thing to do. At least she finally felt as if their relationship could move forward, instead of staying at the same point.

"Siku, I-I just want to say something," Bryan said.

"What's that?"

He swallowed. "I-I'm glad you told me about Sean. I always suspected there was something going on, but I never knew what it was. And I just want you to know that if you... ever need to talk about him. I'm here. I don't know if I can be of much help, but I'll always listen."

Siku hesitated, then wrapped her arms around him. "Thank you," she whispered. "You don't know how much that means to me."

Author's Notes:

Special thanks goes to JF Jackson, Bryan, and Bethany. Bethany for again, her help with the character of Bryan. (We're getting an awful lot of millage out of a Christmas present, don't you think?) and for reminding me of the song used at the beginning. Bryan for being such a good sport and allowing himself to be used as a template for a charater. JF Jackson for the original idea. (I know this one was painful for you, and I thank you from the bottom of my little black heart.)

Thanks also goes to the numerous readers who wrote to tell me they thought Bryan and Siku made a pretty good couple and they wanted to see more of their relationship.

As always, feedback welcome. Thanks for reading this, it is appreciated. More than you'll ever know...